


Is this even real?

by Full_Of_Shame



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Darlene Alderson - Freeform, Delusions, Elliot Alderson - Freeform, Hacking, Hermaphrodites, I Tried, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Isolation, Loneliness, Male Lactation, Mpreg, Mr. Robot - Freeform, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, Original Character(s), Original Female Character - Freeform, Original Male Character - Freeform, Other, POV First Person, Post Mpreg, Pregnant Elliot Alderson, Self-Esteem Issues, Sibling Love, Unplanned Pregnancy, original child character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2019-08-19 09:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16532150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Full_Of_Shame/pseuds/Full_Of_Shame
Summary: One night Elliot starts to feel sick, when it doesn't go away he starts to question what's happening to him.In all honesty, I'm new to all of this. I just wanted to write an Elliot Mpreg since I couldn't find any out there thought I'd write my own. At first, it was supposed to be about 5,000 words long but it somehow got much longer. This is my first real fic and first ever mpreg so it probably isn't that good but, enjoy. Constructive criticism welcome.





	1. what.is-wrong-with.me¿.mov

Mid October - 8 weeks

Hello Friend. Yes, friend. I know it's lame but You're only in my head we have to remember that. If I were to give you a name I'd run the risk of not knowing what's real anymore. Shit. Why does it matter what's real, I'm talking to an imaginary person. If Krista were to find out she'd probably send me to a mental institution, but I like talking to you, you don't talk much but I guess that's okay I don't like talking to people anyway. I can tell you anything and it stays between us. I find comfort in that, talking to you makes me feel less lonely. Loneliness makes me sick, I've been sick for weeks now even nauseous. I find myself puking my guts out in the morning and later in the day. There's that feeling again. This feeling that tugs at my stomach like someone's clenching their fist over it. It's never lasted this long before it's strange. I've never been this tired before either. I'm gonna puke. Glad I made it to the bathroom I don't feel like cleaning up my own vomit, it'd probably make me puke again. God, I hate the taste of bile creeping up at the back of my throat. My esophagus burning with stomach acid. Fuck, I need to brush my teeth. This isn't normal it's been going on for way too long, something's wrong with me. Must be the flu or a stomach bug. I'll have to see a doctor. I haven't had any social interactions in months now, it's only You, Krista and Mr. Robot. Speaking of which, he's been gone too, I haven't seen him in what? two months now. Could it be, I'm cured? That after months of such intense mental instability it's finally over. What a ridiculous thought he's probably hiding somewhere it's not the first time he's been gone for a while. I wonder, why is he gone? Did something happen? Did he do something? Last I saw him was when I went out for a smoke, I don't remember what happened that night.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November - 12 weeks

You're back. Long time no see. I went to the doctor, didn't help I still don't know what's wrong with me. Told them what's been going on, they took some blood and I left. About a week later I hacked into the hospitals' database. For a public place with an IT department, they sure were easy to hack. Checked my results, they must have made a mistake, it said I'm pregnant, must've gotten mixed up with another patient. Have you seen Mr. Robot I'm starting to worry, did something really happen that night? Where could he be? I have to take Flipper out for a walk. If it weren't for Qwerty and Flipper I'd be completely empty. It pains me every time I think of how badly that prick treated her. "I like you, Flipper, you're cool." Every time I make my way around the block with her she sniffs every dog we pass. It just makes these walks longer. "Come on Flipper I'm too tired for this." Yeah, I'm still not feeling better, this has become a regular thing now, me puking every day for the past two months straight. You can ad cramps to the mix, that's a recent symptom. I'm exhausted, these late night walks are pretty much the last thing I do before I collapse on my mattress and I wake up head in the toilet bowl. My pants are getting tighter, is this it? Has my body finally succumb to its age should I exercise? Or maybe it's a tumor. What's happening to me? Do I have cancer? Will, I die a slow and agonizing death? What do I do?


	2. the�bug.mpeg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know anything that Mr. Robot says used to be in italic but AO3 doesn't seem to prosses that so it looks all the same and may get confusing in subsequent chapters but should still be understandable. If you'd like to read it with italic then head over to wattpad and look for the story under the same name or my profile under the same name as well.

December -14 weeks

"So you've been feeling ill these past few months and said you've noticed some abdominal swelling, is that correct Mr. Alderson?"

"Yes"

"These could be the signs of colon cancer. I'll have you sent in for an MRI and I'll call you when you're results are in."

With that, I left the oncologist's office and a nurse showed me to a room where I changed into a hospital gown. Sometime later they finally came back for me and got me into the MRI machine, it's a little claustrophobic in there. Made me anxious, and it's really loud too. I couldn't hear my thoughts while I was in there. Once it was done they let me change back into my clothes and let me go home, said I'd get the results in a few days.

That was ten days ago.

"Mr. Alderson I'm sorry to say but It seems we've lost your results. Instead, I was mistakenly given an MRI of a three-month pregnancy. I will reach you as soon as we find the correct files." This didn't sit well with me, how could that happen again? I sat at my computer and hacked into their system again I had to see this for myself. Maybe there's a woman who has a similar name and they keep mistaking it. I looked for every possible match, there was none. I found "my" MRI images, this little fetus on the black and white picture growing inside someone struck me I can't forget it. While I was on my profile in the hospitals' database something caught my eye. "Chromosome mutation" What? Why is that there? It seems my whole profile has mistakes.

"It doesn't."

Did I just hear that right? Tell me you heard it too.

"Elliot, look at me, we need to talk."

This can't be, he's been gone for four months, why is he here?

"Turn around Elliot."

"Where were you?"

"Turn around for fuck's sake!"

I turned around, I had to face him, I need to know why has he been gone for so long.

"Why are you here?"

"Like I said we need to talk."

"About what?! Maybe you'd be so kind as to tell me where you were this whole time huh?" I snapped.

"Relax Elliot you have to calm down."

"Or what?! I'm not gonna calm down until you tell me where you've been!"

"Calm Down, it's not good for the baby. You want to play this little game? okay fine, I won't explain until you relax."

What? What baby, what is he talking about? Has he gone insane too?

"Sit back down."

I sat on the couch, it was getting late I'm starting to get tired, like every night these past few months.

Mr. Robot lifted my feet up and propped them on the coffee table, why did he do that? He took a chair and sat on it backwards.

"Elliot, listen, all those test results you've been getting, they're not mistakes and you know it."

"What are you talking about? I'm a man I'm not pregnant."

"That profile right there says otherwise."

"Must be a mistake in the system, simple."

"In fact, it's not that simple Elliot. Chromosome mutation, you know what that means?"

"That's not true I'm perfectly healthy."

"Chromosome mutation, not imbalance, there's a difference. You don't have down syndrome, no but... I can't believe I have to tell you this."

"Tell me what?"

"Elliot, you have a uterus okay? You can get pregnant, and you are."

This can't be, he's making this up. I don't know what's real anymore. I sat up and buried my face in my hands. How is this possible? How long has this been going on? So many questions, but before I could ask him anything he was gone. I went back to my computer and stared at the MRI picture. It's inside of me. I can't deal with this right now, this isn't happening. Disoriented I took a couple pills of Morphine. It's more than my usual dosage but right now I don't care. I didn't even bother grounding them. I laid on the couch looking at Qwerty awaiting my high.

"Are you insane?!"

Mr. Robot grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me to the bathroom.

"What did I just tell you?"

He put his scarf in front of my nose made me breathe in deeply, the smell of his cologne and cigarettes made me retch. I puked, hunched over the toilet seat until nothing but bile came up. I coughed feeling a string of saliva coming from my nose.

"You need to take care of yourself, Elliot. I've just told you there's a person inside of you and the first thing you do is get high? Seriously, what the fuck?"

He's serious. So this is really true? That little fetus from the MRI is really inside me. I took off my shirt and splashed some water on my face.

"You need to understand, this is real, and you need to treat yourself better. No more smoking and more importantly, no more drugs. I don't care if you go through withdrawals." He went to the kitchen. I decided to take a shower, I need to clear my mind. Looking down to walk into the shower I glanced at my stomach, with the past months' events a lost a pound or two but it isn't flat, in fact, there's a defined swell to it. Never realized how much it's actually grown. I washed my hair closing my eyes, makes it easier to think. I made my way down washing my body eyes still closed, my hands brushed over my lower abdomen feeling the slight curve that had developed over this past month, my mind went blank. I got done with my shower and put on a t-shirt and sweats to sleep, Mr. Robot was playing with Flipper. I walked up to him.

"Why are you still here?"

"Have to make sure you don't do anything stupid."

"So what now? You're gonna hang around me like a service dog or something?"

"No, but I'll stay tonight until you fall asleep."

I had to chuckle at that. Why is he acting all guardian angel all of a sudden?

"Why did you show up now?"

"Because you wouldn't believe any medical proof. If I wouldn't have come to make you understand, you would've killed this kid sooner or later."

"Why didn't you come sooner?"

"That doesn't matter, it matters I'm here now."

"Bullshit doesn't matter!"

"Calm down, damn it. I couldn't come sooner it's all you need to know."

"Why can't I remember the last night I saw you? That means you took over. Why did you do it."

"I had to. As I said, it doesn't matter right now. What matters is the life that's in there." He pointed to my stomach almost touching it, I took a step back.

"When I said you need to take care of yourself I meant it. Not just for it but for you too, these are gonna be a tough 6 months ahead of you."

"How do you know how long it's been?"

"If you'd listen to your doctor you'd know too, besides I know a lot of things you don't."

I stopped questioning him he's just gonna keep deflecting it. I drank a glass of water, laid in bed and closed my eyes, never have I fallen asleep so quickly.

The kid still managed to fall asleep on top of the covers, I slightly pushed him over and pulled them from underneath him and the tucked him in. This is gonna be really hard on him.


	3. h3lping+h4nd.mkv

January - 18 weeks

It's been a month. On my last appointment with Krista, I told her I'd be away for a few months, she said I could email her anytime. It still feels weird to think there's another human being inside me, dependent on me to survive and then to be taken care of for the next two decades to come. It's definitely in there, it's gotten bigger. I've resolved to wearing sweatpants. I'm having trouble fitting into my pants, and my t-shirt is getting a little snug with my belly stretching it ever so slightly. Good thing I wear loose shirts, although I don't know how long that's gonna last. Fuck, I'm gonna have to go shopping. At least my hoodie still fits me fine. Mr. Robot shows up every few days now, says he's checking up on me. What the hell does he think I could do to myself, Jesus I got the message no more smoking and no more drugs. The few days after I got the news was the hardest as my body started to detox from the Morphine, it was like the flu but more intense. I didn't sleep for two days straight, I was sweaty and got the chills, puked my guts out for hours, way to add fuel to the fire Elliot. Mr. Robot was there with me, took care of me, he's doing that a lot recently. Aside from taking showers, I haven't touched it, I'm afraid to touch it, what will happen if I do? What will I do with a child? How did this even happen? I still don't know. I had completely blanked out the fact that I have working female organs. But this isn't an immaculate conception, there's a piece I'm missing.

*Bang*Bang*Bang*

Someone's at the door, who could it be?

"Come on Elliot open up, I know you're in there."

Shit It's Darlene, she's gonna notice somethings up.

"Open the damned door."

"What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, it's nice to see you to big brother, mind if I come in? I've come to see how you've been, haven't seen ya in months." She sat on the couch.

"Yeah, well I'm good."

"Come on, sit down with me. I thought I could crash at yours for a little bit and maybe we could watch some movies. What do ya say?"

Do I let her stay? What if she finds out? Does she know about this too? Like Mr. Robot did. I sat down next to her hoping she wouldn't pay attention to my physical state.

"What do you wanna watch?"

"I don't know, haven't thought about it yet, ooh maybe we could watch a series this time?"

"If you're gonna stay here for a while I guess so."

"Anyway, what have you been up to all this time, huh? Let yourself go I see."

Before I could react she touched my stomach, shit, please don't say anything.

"Hm? It's a little firm, you sure it's a beer gut? You should get that checked out."

...

"Hey don't get mad I'm just playing with you."

"Elliot?"

"Elliot's not here right now."

"Don't be childish okay, I wasn't being mean."

"He knows you didn't mean it like that. Darlene, it happened."

"Elliot what are-"

"This isn't Elliot, okay?"

"It's you. Why are you here?"

"Because he won't tell you anything, so I have to."

"What do you mean it happened?"

"He's pregnant."

"What? How? How long?"

"It's been like 4 months now."

Darlene looked at Elliot's stomach. She lifted up his shirt and touched it. Time to go.

What happened? Why is she touching me?

"Darlene, what are you doing?" She looked at me with eyes of disbelief.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I slapped her hands off my body and pulled my shirt down. How does she know? What the hell?

"He said you wouldn't tell me, I suppose he was right."

"He, who? Mr. Robot? He was here?"

"Briefly, but long enough to tell me the truth."

The bastard. I started pacing. Now she knows I guess there's no point in lying. The way she reacted, she's not surprised, which means she knew this could happen. Mr. Robot knew, she knew, the whole family must've known. Why did I forget about this?

"Elliot would you quit pacing and sit down."

"This isn't weird for you?"

"We've known about this since we were kids, I've had time to get used to the idea. We knew this could happen."

"Apparently I forgot, I found out a month ago."

She stood up, walked over to me and hugged me. What a strange sensation, it felt right, it felt like I needed it. Why is my vision blurry?

"Why am I crying?"

"It's probably your hormones." She laughed lightly.

"Listen, I think I should stay with you, for longer. I think you're gonna need help with some things in a few months time."

She's right.

"Yeah, okay."

"Can I touch it again?"

"No. It's weird. I don't touch it either."

She grabbed one of my hands. I tried to pull away but she held it firmly. She slid it under the fabric of my shirt and pressed it against my stomach.

"Elliot, don't do this, You have a chance to start over, to create your own family, don't alienate this kid. I want you to try and bond with it, you don't have to talk to it or anything like that but, at least acknowledge it."

She let go of my hand but it stayed, lingered on my skin my thoughts running 100 m/h. I acknowledge it alright. It's the only thing I've thought about since I've learned of its existence. I looked down, my thumb brushing the swell of my stomach. Flipper jumping at our feet.

"Do you mind taking out the dog? I'm tired I'm gonna head to bed. You can crash on the couch."

"Sure"

With my arms by my side, I turned around and walked over to my mattress. Lowering myself to the floor will be a challenge, I can already see it. Let's just hope Darlene won't mind helping me up and down every day. I closed my eyes and heard her walk out the door. My hand crept up to my middle. 'I know you're in there. I don't blame you for anything, this is just hard for me to get used to'.


	4. juni0r.mp4

Next day

God, if it's not puking for 3 months then it's pissing every hour. Don't get me wrong I'm glad the vomiting stopped, but now I can't even wake up and lay in bed because I have to rush to the bathroom. Today's one of those days, I really don't feel like getting up. Oh, fuck it, I'll just get back to bed after I'm done.

"Morning junior."

Right, I forgot she's here.

"Morning."

"Why did you call me junior?" I came back to bed.

"Like the movie 'Junior' you know? With Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"Never seen it."

"What?! Well, I know what we're watching tonight then."

"Why? What's it about?" I don't understand what so special about it. Do you know what it is?

"It's about a man who gets pregnant."

Because of course that what it's about.

"Darlene you don't need to constantly remind me of what state I'm in. It's apparent enough already."

"What did I say last night?"

"I'm not alienating it, can't you understand this doesn't feel right to me. I don't feel normal okay? It's all I think about, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm constantly reminded of it either because I have to piss all the time or just by my body. And it's only going to get worse." She unnerved me, she just keeps talking about it. I've already got enough reminders for myself.

"It's all you've talked about since you got here. And don't you dare tell me to relax." Maybe that was a little harsh. I shouldn't have snapped like that.

"Elliot, I'm..."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"No, I'm sorry I didn't know this bothered you so much. I need to put myself in your shoes a little more, but Elliot, you can't just act like nothing is happening, this isn't just gonna go away after a while and there's gonna be a baby to look out for after. I want to help you with this but if you won't stop pushing it aside then this isn't going to work."

...

"Elliot, talk to me."

"I'm scared Darlene. I'm alone, I don't know what to do." Shit, I didn't want her to see me cry, why can't I control my emotions. She walked over to me and hugged me.

"Sorry I don't know why I'm crying."

"Don't worry you're gonna be crying a lot more now." She chuckled.

"It's your hormones, they make no sense. At one point you'll probably find yourself crying over a hard drive commercial."

Hah. I guess she's right, this isn't gonna be good.

"And you're not alone, I'm here with you. We have to talk about it, that way it won't be so strange as time goes on. We'll just take it in, one day at a time. So, is my nibling doing well today?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

"Great, I'm gonna go grocery shopping, your fridge is completely empty, how are you still alive? Do you eat anything?"

"I couldn't' keep anything down the first three months, and now I've been so anxious I didn't really eat much of anything."

"That ends today. From now on you can't go a day without having eaten a full meal, you hear me? You should have eaten more you're too skinny."

"Hah, how am I too skinny? I'm literally getting fatter every day. I can't fit into my clothes."

"The baby gains a lot of its weight during the first trimester Elliot, you didn't eat right so it most likely didn't get many nutrients, we're gonna have to try and make up for that."

"God it's not even born and I already fucked it up."

"Hey don't say that! It's not your fault, you didn't know."

Fuck, did I say that out loud? That was meant for you.

"Don't blame yourself for anything Elliot, you didn't know. Focus on the now, it's much more important."

I know she's right but I can"t help dwelling on what I could've done better. If only I had known. Maybe I should do some research on this, I need to know what to expect.

*later*

I can't believe I'm actually watching this, why did I agree to do this? I hope it's the only pregnancy-related movie she's gonna make me watch. We got to a scene where Arnold takes off his sweater and you can see his belly protruding a little, it made me think of mine. I absentmindedly brought a hand to my stomach. Maybe I should touch it more, try to get used to it. It's only gonna get harder to ignore anyway. Watching the movie just made me feel weird. Is that how big I'm gonna get? I hope not.


	5. dizzy.wmv

February - 22 weeks

Mr. Robot is oddly nice to me. Ever since he showed back up he's been good to me, checks up on me, asks about the baby. His suspicious behavior bothers me, he's never acted like that before something happened but he won't say what. Darlene wasn't kidding when she said she won't let me go a day without a full meal, she so good to me I can't thank her enough. She bought some clippers to cut my hair seeing how I'm not taking a step out of the apartment these days, I can't go to the hairstylist, she also bought a scale for some reason, I've gained 4 pounds. It's all going to my stomach obviously, week after week I watch it grow, it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. I think I'm starting to feel it kick, it was more like a flutter before but it's becoming more like little jabs now. I don't know how to feel about that, I'm still not 100% comfortable with it. Sure I find myself touching it, even caressing it sometimes, I don't know, maybe it's not that bad after all. I'm doing it right now, the touch doesn't seem so bad anymore, it's more relaxing now, soothing almost. Do you think I should talk to it? Apparently, it can hear me now, I don't know what I would say. 'Hey little critter, stop stretching out my shirts?' That doesn't feel right. Darlene's back. Good.

"Elliot you can't keep wearing sweatpants until you give birth."

I haven't even though that far ahead. The birth, what a strange word. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like. How much will it hurt? How long is it gonna be? Where will that even happen? I can't go to the hospital, they'll think I'm a freak.

"Elliot, are you listening to me?"

"I'm not gonna buy new clothes, Darlene. They'll be useless I'm not planning on doing this twice."

"That's not the point Elliot, seriously not even these sweatpants will be enough. And please for god's sake at least buy some bigger shirts, you shouldn't stretch these out."

Why does she always have to be right?

"Then I'll get a bigger pair of sweatpants and a couple of extra large shirts. Actually, could you do that? I don't want to go out there being like this."

"Like what?"

"You know."

"Being pregnant? People don't know Elliot, they won't even give it a thought."

"I don't care."

"Fine, I will but only because I know you won't do it."

"Thanks. Can you help me up? I need the bathroom."

I held my hands out to her and she helped me up, the room started spinning, I'm stumbling.

"Woah, you okay?"

I closed my eyes feeling lightheaded.

"Yeah, I just got dizzy is all." I stayed put so my head would stop spinning, that was weird.

"Can we order some takeout I'm starving."

"You've definitely regained your appetite, that's for sure."

"You're the one that's said I needed to eat more."

"But I didn't mean junk food."

"Come on, I can't help it, I feel like I'm more hungry than usual lately."

"Alright but just this time."


	6. s3cr3t.asf

Early March - 24 weeks

I'm six months pregnant, can you believe it? I feel really weird, my stomach is really round now there's no denying what's happening. There are all these changes happening, my belly button is becoming an outie and there's this dark line running from it to my groin. The scar tissue from the bullet as well as the insition is getting tight, it's itchy. I spend a lot of time staring at my stomach but only when Darlene and Mr. Robot are not around, I don't want them to see it. My nipples are darker to, come to think of it my chest is sore, I don't even want to think about what that means. I took a shower and put on my sweats, I suppose they can only stretch so much as they seem to get tighter too. I'll have to wear the ones Darlene bought me, she went to the store so I can walk around shirtless.

"Ain't that right Baby?"

Did I really just speak to it? I guess I did.

"Am I crazy, Flipper?" She just whined.

"Hey, ah... apparently you can hear me, Is that true? Because if not I'm talking to air. How are you doing in there, you holding up? I hope you're okay, I'm sorry I mistreated you in the beginning, I didn't know you existed. It's still hard to fathom. But I'm coming around you know. Are you a boy or a girl? I'm calling you Baby 'cause I don't know what you are. Wish I could know somehow but I can't go to the hospital, they'll think I'm a freak, well they wouldn't be wrong. I'm a freak of nature, you shouldn't be in there, what are you doing here? You're like a virus and I'm the computer, no you're a bug, a bug in my system. I can feel you moving around you know."

I pushed on my stomach tentatively. Nothi- "Ow." That's was the strongest kick yet, I rubbed the spot with my hand and felt it move underneath my palm.

"What was that for? You don't like touch? I guess we have that in common."

"Is that really how you feel, Elliot?"

I turned around startled.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to hear your speech."

Fuck, she heard all of that? All of a sudden the floor seems more interesting. I have to find a shirt to put on.

"You're not a freak, you can't control genetics."

"It's still not normal."

"But that's okay, you're normal to those who care."

Gosh, where is this shirt, ah there it is.

"Wait no, don't put on a shirt yet." I stopped in my tracks.

"You don't ever let me see it, give me this once. You've changed so much since I got here.

Is she talking to me or to it?

"Both of you." She looked me in the eye.

"Can I touch it?" I nodded reluctantly.

She brought her hand up to my stomach and touched it moving her hand around the surface. It's kicking. She's smiling, she must've felt it a little.

"Can I put my shirt on now?" She took her hand away, I put my shirt on.

"Elliot, can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"I'm serious."

"Go ahead."

"Who's... who's the father?"

That caught me off guard. Did she seriously just ask that? What do I say? Do I tell her the truth?

"I... I... don't know." There I said it.

"I didn't have you for that type."

"Darlene it's not like that. I'm not even gay. I don't know because I don't remember anything happening between me and anyone else. All I remember is one night about six months ago I went out for a smoke, Mr. Robot was there with me. I took a dingy shortcut to get back here but I don't remember any of it, for some reason Mr. Robot took over and he won't tell me what happened."

She looked at me with pity.

"I guess I can't keep it a secret forever."

I looked over, Mr. Robot is here, sitting at the table.

"What is it, Elliot?"

"What do you mean you can't keep it a secret forever."

"Is he here?"

"You got assaulted, I took over so you wouldn't remember any of it. What I didn't anticipate, was the kid. I wouldn't have to be explaining this if it didn't exist."

He spat bitterly. For some reason his words made me nervous, I brought one hand over my stomach protectively. Flipper started barking feeling me tense up.

"Assaulted how?"

Darlene just stood there trying to make sense of my words.

"When you walked into that alleyway I knew something bad was gonna happen. People kept calling out to you but you wouldn't answer. There was this one guy that wouldn't let up, he followed you. I tried to fight him off but he pulled out a gun."

With each of Mr. Robots words, I got increasingly nervous. I could feel the baby getting restless inside me.

"I couldn't stop him, once he realized you're not like other men he thought he'd hit the jackpot."

"I was raped?" Darlene gasped, we both knew this was essentially what happened but hearing it out loud is different. I was shell-shocked, my legs felt numb I almost collapsed but Darlene caught me in time and helped me to the floor.

"I'm sorry Elliot." With these last words, he was gone.

I shut down by this point, my eyes glazed, staring at one spot on the floor.

"No Elliot, don't do this. Talk to me, please." There was nothing she could do I closed myself off, like corrupt data my system crashed, completely unresponsive. The whole day I didn't speak, didn't eat anything either, not even under the pretext of doing it for this kid. Every time I felt it, it just made me mad, I resented it. Next day was the same, I just couldn't shake what happened. Anything Darlene said to me just went right through me I don't care. I can't deal with this, what would you have done? Each night I felt hollow inside, this one was no different. I hadn't even realized I fell asleep.

*Knock*Knock*

Why won't Darlene get the door?

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

Fuck, do you even know how hard it is for me to get off my mattress nowadays? I somehow managed to get up and get the door, apparently, Darlene went out.

"Shayla?" She walked in.

I'm not high so how is this possible? I must be dreaming.

"Hi, Elliot. I got what you asked for." She threw a bag of pills on the table.

"Wanna hit a blunt with me?"

What? What is happening? I looked down at my stomach, feeling the baby move around. I looked back at Shayla.

"I can't."

She walked up to me, she lifted up my shirt and made me take it off. I stood shirtless in front of her, she took my hands in hers and held my stomach.

"You see Elliot, you care about this child, you feel something for it. I have an important question for you; Whose child is it?"

"Some guy's."

"Wrong answer, try again."

This made me think. What does she want from me?

"It's... my child." I gave in.

"Exactly Elliot. It doesn't matter how it came to be nor who was the cause, what matters is how You'll raise it. This is your baby Elliot and only yours, no one else's. It's alone in this world, It's got no one."

"It's got me."

"Does it? You've been resenting it for the past 3 days. You're mad at it for something it didn't do, it didn't want to be here. You've starved it, restricting its source of energy. Does it really have you?"

I felt guilty, tears welling in my eyes.

"What if something were to happen to it?"

I suddenly felt my abdomen cramping forcefully the swell becoming hard like a rock. I felt fluid between my legs and saw blood on the floor, I started to panic.

"NO! NO! Make it stop! I Love it! I love my baby. I don't wanna lose him."

"Do me a favor Elliot, take care of it for me."

"Wake up Elliot!"

With that my dream ended I woke up out of breath in cold sweats, Darlene by my side. As soon as I came to I lifted the covers, there was nothing, it was all a dream. "Thank god" I whispered, holding onto my stomach. It's okay.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"What happened? You were thrashing and screaming."

"I, I thought I was having a miscarriage." I admitted.

"God Elliot, I can't even imagine how scary that must've been."

She hugged me, at this point my resolve crumbled.

"I don't wanna lose it, Darlene. Don't go I need you."

"I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving." She rubbed my back trying to console me. We sat in our embrace for what seemed like forever before I calmed down.

"Better?" She pulled away to look at me.

"Yeah." I lifted up my shirt, I've been feeling little rhythmic jabs for the past two minutes now, what is that?

"Darlene look." My belly kept moving every few seconds.

She went to touch it and giggled at the sensation.

"I think it has the hiccups." she was still smiling.

"They can have the hiccups already?" Wow, it's something new every day with this kid.

"Elliot, do you think it's a boy?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Before you woke up you said: I don't want to lose him."

"I guess maybe my subconscious does, I'm sticking with 'Baby'."

We both chuckled. I didn't want this moment to end, it was blissful.

"Darlene, could you make breakfast? I'm hungry."

"That's what I like to hear." She smiled.

"Anything for my brother, you craving anything?"

"Pancakes, and chocolate." What a divine combination.

"Great, pancakes with chocolate it is, coming right up."


	7. th3 _v1sit.flv

March - 26 weeks

"Come on, get up, sleepy." Darlene urged me out of bed.

"I don't wanna." I covered my face with my pillow.

"Come on or we'll be late." She pulled the covers off of me.

I lifted my head confused.

"Late for what?"

"It's a surprise." I hate surprises.

She kept nagging me so I finally got up. I got dressed and tried putting on my hoodie, my belly has gotten so big I'm having trouble zipping it up but after some trial and error and a fit of giggles from Darlene, I finally managed.

"I think it's the last time you'll wear it for a while."

"Quit it will you? Let's see you trying to fit into one of your shirts in my situation."

"Alright, I'm sorry. Now come on we have to get going."

"Where on earth are you taking me at 6 in the morning?"

"You'll see"

"Wait, I'm not going out there like this, everyone will see me."

"Relax it's exactly why we're doing this now and not in the middle of the day, besides, we're taking a cab I wouldn't make you walk that long."

I finally agreed, the car was already waiting for us outside. Darlene opened the door and waited for me to get in, the added weight made it a bit difficult but I finally sat down and Darlene sat next to me. The atmosphere in the car was a bit awkward, I felt uneasy. The cab driver kept eyeing me in his rearview mirror, I just kept my head down trying to avoid his gaze.

After some time in the cab, we got to the hospital.

"What are we doing here?"

"You have an appointment."

"Me?" What is going on?

"Hurry we have to go through the back door."

We entered and right away were greeted but a young female doctor.

"Hi, you must be Elliot. I'm doctor Jones but you can call me Layla."

She held out her hand, I shook it unsure.

"Come right in and we'll get started."

"I'm sorry but... I wasn't informed of what this is."

"It's a prenatal visit, to make sure everything is okay with you and your baby. Your sister has informed me of your situation and how you feel about being out in public so I've made sure no one will interrupt us."

I shot Darlene a death glare, what does she think she's doing? I didn't consent to this, she didn't even mention it once. I guess that's why it's a surprise.

"Have a seat. Today I'm going to take your measurements, weight you and take your blood pressure after that I will check the baby and we'll do an ultrasound. If I could ask you to sit on the exam table please."

I got up and scooted up on the exam table waiting for what's next.

"Okay, Mr. Alderson how tall are you?"

"5 feet 9 inches"

"Good, may I ask what was your starting weight?"

"About 154 pounds."

"Take your hoodie off and lift up your shirt please."

I slowly undid my hoodie, I felt self-conscious about my body in front of this woman. She took a measuring tape and measured my stomach lengthwise and then widthwise.

Every single thing I told her and that she checked got written down onto a sheet of paper, I felt like a lab rat. Darlene just sat in a chair enjoying the show.

"Please step on that scale." I slid off the table and got on the scale, it was one of those big old ones that you move with your hands.

"166 pounds." She wrote it down.

"You seem to be a little on the lighter side but from what I understand you had a rough first trimester, is that correct?"

"Yeah, I didn't know until later." I admitted.

"That's alright, so far you seem to be doing okay. Come back here please?"

I got back up on the exam table, she rolled up my sleeve and checked my blood pressure.

"Hmm blood pressure is a little high but not by much. Are you nervous?"

"Yes."

"That must be why. Don't be I'm not gonna hurt you. Lie down and lift your shirt up again."

She touched my stomach with her fingers, putting pressure in various places. Baby did not like that and started to squirm.

"We've got a vivid one in there huh? Okay, we'll do the ultrasound now."

She turned on a machine, took it a minute but eventually it worked.

"Warning, this is gonna be cold."

She put some clear blue gel on the wand and pressed it to my stomach, unintentionally I sucked in at the cold temperature. Never thought I'd be in this situation. The wand moved around my abdomen, the screen on the machine all fuzzy. Darlene came to stand by my side. After a moment a baby's profile showed up on the screen, I stared at the monitor, there it is.

I was speechless.

The doc began pointing to the picture showing us it's little body.

"Here you've got the spinal cord, the legs and here are the arms. Let's listen to the heartbeat."

A fast rhythmic thumping filled the room.

I can't believe my eyes, please tell me you're seeing this too.

"Good, it's strong. Your baby is a little small at this stage but that's understandable, I'd like you to eat a little more, we need this baby at a good weight. It also seems there is a lot a fluid which could be polyhydramnios but again I think it's due to the baby's size."

"What does that mean this poly- polyhy...?"

"Polyhydramnios is essentially too much amniotic fluid in the uterus but it's too early to tell for sure. I'll switch to a 3D scan we'll get a better view of its face."

As soon as she did and I saw its little face, I felt tears well in my eyes.

"Oh my god, it's so cute." Darlene couldn't help herself.

"Oh look it's yawning." The woman pointed out.

"Would you like to know the sex?"

"Yes"

"No"

...

"But, you said you wish you could know." Darlene didn't understand my protest.

"I know I said that but, I've gotten used to not knowing, I want to wait till it's born, for it to be a surprise."

"Alright."

"Well if you ever change your mind, we can do it next time." The doctor offered.

"Next time? I thought this was just a one-time thing."

"Well, it is but if you'd like you can always contact me, any other appointment will happen in the comfort of your home no need for the hospital. Darlene knows how to get ahold of me."

"Okay, thanks." I didn't know how to react to that news, everything happened so suddenly.

"I'll print some pictures of the ultrasounds and that will be all for today."

She took the wand away and gave me a napkin to wipe the gel off my stomach, all of a sudden I felt a slight cramp. I whimpered as it brought memories of my nightmare back. I felt around my stomach but it wasn't hard, it was normal.

"What is it?" Darlene noticed my distress.

"I felt a contraction, I thought something was happening."

"No it's okay, you're okay Elliot." She rubbed my forearm.

"Have you felt these contractions before?" The doc asked

"No, that was the first time."

"It's nothing to worry about, it's most likely Braxton Hicks contractions. They're practice contractions for your body while it's getting ready to deliver. They can become uncomfortable later on but they're not harmful, It's important for you to stay hydrated, they won't be as frequent."

"I'll make sure he does." Darlene smiled at me.

After the appointment was over we got in a cab and back to the apartment. I pulled out on old magnet out of a drawer and hung up the little ultrasound picture on my fridge, and kept the 3D scan picture for myself. I still can't believe what I saw today, makes it all the more real. Mr. Robot is still MIA, I hope he won't be gone for four months again. I don't blame him, I believe he tried getting me out of there but there was nothing he could do, the only person to blame I don't even know nor do I know what they look like so I'll just move on and forget them. There are more important things in this world, like Baby. Darlene's in the shower so I've got some time for myself in peace. I laid on my mattress, Flipper laid beside me.

"Hey, baby, how you doing?"

It kicked at my question, its kicks are getting stronger. It's most active at night, won't let me sleep.

"I saw what you look like today, you're so tiny. Actually, you're too tiny, you have to grow, I'll take care of myself as best as I can for you but, you have to grow. I know you seem strong and all and I'm glad that you are but I don't know if that's enough. Did you like the little trip today? I'm thinking about doing that again, one of those visits. That way I'll be able to check up on you, make sure you're okay."

Baby moved around, then I felt it; another fake contraction. So far every time they have happened, they put me on edge, I hope I'll get used to them.

"Are you ok when these happen? I don't think that getting squished throughout the day would be comfortable. Although, guess you're getting squished anyway as you grow." I caressed the swell of my stomach.

"You're so adorable when you do that."

I jumped.

"Jesus, Darlene."

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"I don't like you eavesdropping on me, it's rude."

"Relax I only heard your last sentence."

...

"Hey uh, how did you set that up anyway?"

"The appointment?"

"Yeah."

"She owes me. I helped her out of a scandal a couple years back, made it look like nothing ever happened. Saved her job."

"You sure she won't tell?" I was still wary of her.

"Trust me she won't, everything I made disappear can always resurface and she knows that. How are you doing anyway?" She brought me a glass of water.

"I'm good, Baby's good too." I looked down at my stomach, feeling it move.

"Darlene, thank you, for this morning."

"No problem."

"Thanks for being such a good sister."

"Thanks for being such an awesome brother, and giving me a niece or nephew."


	8. fl1p.m4v

April - 28 weeks

I can't sleep, it's too uncomfortable. I feel like there's no position that would be good enough to sleep. I've been awake since 2:45 am, this sucks. "Baby, stop it." I mumbled sleepily. It won't stop kicking. It's crazy active, its been squirming around for the past hour non-stop. I have to find a solution to this. I looked online, see if others have that problem too. Here's one: '... starting my third trimester... baby gets crazy active around 3 am. What can I do to calm it down?' Welcome to the club I guess. Okay, what do the comments say?

'Have a snack."

'Walk. Movements put babies to sleep and they wake up when you rest.'

'Sorry hun, you're out of luck. If the baby is active then it's active, babies that are active at night in-utero are likely to be active at night when they're born.'

Whatever I'm usually awake at night anyway.

'Hi, sweetie. You may find that taking long relaxing baths may help. I used to do this when I was pregnant, worked like a charm.'

Great so what are my options? Eating, taking a walk or a long bath.

I looked out the window, the night sky black as coal. I haven't been out in months, I guess I could take a stroll around the block, take a walk with Flipper. I went down to the big door of my apartment building. I looked to see how many people were outside, just a bunch of homeless people. I'll just go and start walking, I can always just turn around. I started walking, my hoodie unzipped 'cause that's just impossible now. Having my hands in my pockets allows me to touch my stomach unnoticed.

"Hey, where you going?"

I was so focused on walking that I didn't notice who was talking to me.

Then out of nowhere, Mr. Robot caught up to me and decided to join me.

"Why are you outside?"

"Can't sleep, Baby won't stop moving and kicking." The little distance I had walked still hadn't done much.

"Elliot you shouldn't be outside at night, not in your condition."

"I needed to vent okay? I haven't walked Flipper in months, let me do it at least once."

"I worry about you, I hope you know that."

"Now I do."

...

"Why were you gone for this long?"

"I didn't know if you were still mad at me."

"I wasn't. You did what you could. Let's not talk about it."

"Elliot..."

"Hmm."

"Can I... feel it?"

I stopped. He could just as well take over me and have the full experience. Yet he's asking my permission?

"Yeah sure."

He brought his big hand up to my stomach and touched it through my shirt.

Baby is still going crazy, Mr. Robot smirked. Not even my delusion can resist the pureness of this kid. I started walking again, I gotta get back to the apartment. He stayed behind.

"You're waddling." He hollered, I had gotten so far away.

After his remark, I focused on my walk. Fuck he's right, it's not too noticeable but I do. I hope Darlene won't notice 'til later. I got back to the building fairly quickly, I walked into the apartment and let Flipper off her leash. Darlene still fast asleep, good at least she won't know I was out. I stood in place. Baby still kicking up a storm, it's never been this active before.

"Fine, we'll take a bath Baby."

I went into the bathroom and ran a bath, making sure the water was pleasantly warm. When it was done, I stripped off my clothes and walked inside the bathtub. I crouched and laid down, the pressure on my back immediately alleviated. I sighed in relief. After about five minutes I felt Baby relax, and completely stop a moment later. It felt so good, my back stopped aching and the baby finally decided to let up his morning soccer practice. I was so drained from the sleepless night, that even the tub felt comfortable, I subsequently fell asleep.

*4 hours later*

As sleep got lighter I was vaguely aware of a presence in the room, I felt a mass sit on the edge of the tub and then a hand touched my stomach.

"♫Elliot♫... " Darlene tried to wake me up, melody in her voice.

Flipper was there too, licking my hand.

"Quiet, you'll wake Baby up." I scolded her, my voice raspy, keeping my eyes closed.

"Sorry." She whispered.

Now that my body was awake, I felt the coldness of the water. I opened my eyes and looked at Darlene.

"How long have I been in here?" My fingers were all shriveled up, like old prunes.

"Well, when did you get in? Judging by the water, it's been a while. What were you doing?"

"I couldn't sleep, the little bugger wouldn't stop moving, so I looked up how I could calm it down. It said to take a walk or a warm bath. Tried walking first but it didn't do much so I decided to try the bath. That was around 4 am. What time is it?"

"It's 8 in the morning, Elliot, you've been here for four hours already. You better get out, your lips are turning blue. I'll get your towel."

I soon as I stood up I began to shiver and felt Baby starting to move inside me, probably didn't like the cold either. I noticed my stomach seemed to hang lower than before. I didn't care if Darlene saw me naked as my belly has gotten so big, it conveniently hid everything. She wrapped the towel around me and rubbed my back.

"Are you... leaking?"

"What?" What is she talking about?

"Your chest."

I looked down at my chest and in fact, some weird golden yellow substance seemed to come from my nipples.

"What is this?"

"I don't know but I do know you won't need to buy formula that's for sure."

"What? What do you mean?"

"You can breastfeed, Elliot."

I was stunned, it can't be.

"But I don't have breasts."

"You don't need breast to breastfeed, you need mammary glands. As far as I'm concerned you have a working uterus, so I don't see how that couldn't be possible."

"So what you're telling me is, there's milk in my chest?"

"There will be, I don't know what that is but it's not milk yet."

"Just great." I sighed irritated.

I went over to my dresser and pull out a change of clothes. What is going on with my body? This is demoralizing.

"You kind of scared me in the bathroom you know? I walk in and see you with your hand limp over the edge of the tub, I thought I was gonna have to call 911 for a second but then I saw you breathing and your fingers twitched."

"Well, as you can see I'm just fine."

I paused for a moment, Baby's not as active as yesterday. Maybe its still walking up. A fake contraction struck me, Baby moved in protest.

"Darlene, could you set up one of those appointments again?"

"Why, something happened?"

"No, I just want to check up on Baby, that's all."

"Okay, sure. I'll have her be here in two hours. Is that fine?"

"Yeah, that's good."

Actually, there is something, I don't like how last night it was all crazy and now, seems to barely move. Maybe It flipped, I don't know but my belly hangs lower than yesterday and I feel something between my legs, almost like-."

"Aw!" The heck?

"What happened?"

"I don't know, I think I just got kicked in the ribs." I stated, discomfort clear on my face.

"Do you think it's upside down?"

"Well judging by the pain I'm in, I'd say so. That's why I wanted an appointment." I rubbed the sore spot.

Two hours later around 10, the Doc arrived.

"Hi. Sorry, I'm a little late, traffic is awful."

"That's fine."

"Hi Elliot, how have you been?"

"My back aches but I suppose that's to be expected."

"I see you've actually taken my advice. Baby doing good too?"

"Yeah, I changed up his diet a little. If I weren't here he'd probably just be eating pizza." The two of them laughed.

"Yeah, Baby's doing well."

"Great, so, just so you don't have to stand up again. I'm gonna ask you to weight yourself first."

I went to the bathroom and stepped on the scale.

"169 pounds." I raised my voice a little so that she'd hear me clearly and walked back into the kitchen.

"You've gained 3 pounds since I last saw you that's great. How are the baby's movements, does it move a lot?"

"Well, actually last night it was going crazy, made me really uncomfortable, then was quiet all morning and now seems to have gone back to normal."

"Okay. Sit down I'll check your blood pressure. 115/75 good."

I got up and went over to the bed.

"Darlene, can you help me down." She held my hands and helped me to lower down on the mattress. I took my shirt off to make things easier. At that moment I realized my chest was slightly swollen. Like two weeks ago she pulled out a measuring tape and measured my stomach widthwise and then lengthwise. She began to feel around my abdomen with her fingers.

"Ooo, I think your baby may have flipped, it's probably why you felt it being overactive last night. Do you wanna feel?"

"How?"

"Give me your hands I'll show you."

She grabbed my hands and made me push the top of my stomach.

"That's the top of your uterus..."

Lower, again I pressed into my skin.

"The baby has its back to us so, here you can feel it's little bottom."

I pushed its' back and it proceeded to kick me.

"Ouch, It did not like that." Layla smiled at my comment.

I went lower, under my belly button. I focused on every little contour I could feel.

"Here's it's little shoulders, and if you go a little bit lower you can kind of make out the head but it may be a little too low to reach."

I just felt it's little body. It's actually there. I know its stupid but until this kid won't come it's always a little surreal to see legitimate signs of its existence.

"How have your Braxton Hicks been? Those fake contractions."

"They happen every now and then, maybe a little more than before but it's not too bad."

"Keep an eye on them, if they become regular it could be preterm labor and we obviously don't want that. We'll do the ultrasound now."

She pulled out a portable ultrasound machine and set it up next to me.

"Again this is gonna be cold."

She pressed the gelled wand to my belly, the screen on the machine quickly reacting to the motion. After a second, Baby showed up on screen.

"Good, baby's bigger than last time, you're definitely on the right track. There is still a bit too much amniotic fluid, you may have a mild case of polyhydramnios but not to worry it's not dangerous at this stage and it could go away on its own, only time will tell."

"But otherwise it's doing okay?"

"Your baby looks really healthy given the initial circumstance. Maybe by the end, it'll be as big as a normal baby."

That made me happy, the thought that it's doing good and that I didn't harm it means a lot to me.

"I see you've got a computer right here if you'd like I could record a little bit of video of your ultrasounds and give it to you on a flash drive to put in your computer."

"I'd like that." The idea of having these moments forever elated me.

"She got to work recording the scans, first, the usual black and gray one and then she switched to the 3D one. Its face is more developed than the last time it seems. Its little hand showed up, it started sucking its thumb.

"Aww, that's perfect." Darlene cooed.

She also recorded a bit of the baby's heartbeat.

"Strong, like last time, that's great. Here you go, all done."

"Darlene could you put these in since your already at my desk."

"Sure." She took the flash drive and transferred the videos to my computer.

"Have you got any questions maybe." Layla gave me a tissue to wipe my stomach.

"Will he lactate?" Please tell me she didn't just ask that.

"His chest was leaking this morning." My face turned beet red.

"Shut up Darlene." Even though we're adults we still bicker like children.

I hid my face in my hands.

"What did it look like?"

"It was golden yellow." I mumbled through my hands.

"You were leaking colostrum, it's what comes in before milk. I don't see why not, so far your body seemed to be doing most things like a normal pregnancy."

"See I told you."

"I get it, Darlene, you were right. Is that what you wanted to hear?" God, why did she have to bring that up?

"No Elliot, I just asked because I knew you wouldn't, you need to know this kind of things, ask more questions."

"I will but can't you see this is a little embarrassing for me?"

"You don't have to be embarrassed, it's completely normal, I understand your body is going through changes you're not used to and it may be a little scary but when things like that happen you should tell me." Layla chimed in.

"Alright, can we move on from this?"

"That will be all for today, anything you need to know or happens, just call me. Don't stand up I know it's hard, I'll see myself out. Have a great day."

"You too." Darlene answered, with that she was out the door.

I laid in bed exhausted, sleep creeping up behind my eyes. My eyelids began to droop. Flipper came over on the mattress and laid beside me.

"Take a nap Elliot, you need it."

My eyes finally closed, before I fell asleep I vaguely remember Darlene sitting down next to me, she put her hand on my stomach.

"Be good Baby, he's trying really hard for you, I've never seen him care so much about anyone. You're special." I drowned in her words.


	9. th3-sc4re.qt

Early May - 30 weeks

A few days after the check-up Baby flipped upright again, went back to kicking my bladder. I called Layla I didn't know if that was normal. She said not to worry, babies tend to flip back and forth multiple times and that it should be back in position by thirty-four weeks. When Baby flipped back around my first thought was, maybe I can find it's head now. So trying to remember how the Doc showed me I put pressure on different spots on my belly, after a bit of roaming around I felt a hard spherical shape. I found it, It was on my right close to my ribs. Since baby stayed like that for a few days more I would find that spot, and "hold" it's head. About two days ago I felt quite a bit uncomfortable like the first time it flipped then after an hour of crazy movements I felt this big drop that made my knees buckle. I was standing next to the sink brushing my teeth. I held the sink with one hand and brought my other arm under my stomach.

"Hey, you okay?" Darlene rushed to me from the kitchen and helped me stand.

I didn't know how I felt at that moment but I guess shocked is the word that best describes the situation.

"What happened?"

I still hadn't said a word, trying to compose my thoughts. I stood there holding onto her, blinking.

"Elliot say something." She stared right back into my eyes.

I looked down at my stomach, my belly clearly lower than before. I quickly tried feeling Baby's head but it wasn't there.

"It flipped again." I finally chocked out.

"How do you know?"

"I felt it, and its head is not here anymore." I said my hand longing on the spot.

"Here, feel." I took her fingers and pressed on my stomach.

"It's not there anymore, that's its butt and that's its back." I explained to her still mapping it out with her fingers.

"Jeez, it must be heavy since you almost fell to the floor a second ago."

"Surprised me, that's all."

I hope Baby's not planning on turning around yet again, the thought of it not being in the right position kind of scares me. It would require an outside intervention, I'd have to get a c-section, the thought alone makes me shiver. Come to think of it, how will it happen anyway? I haven't thought of this at all, time's running out. I've still got like ten weeks to go, yet I feel like this could be over already. My back hurts, my hips are sore and stretch marks are beginning to form on my belly. There's only a few and they're little, they look like tiny claw marks. I had another appointment this week. We've decided it'll be best if Layla comes to check on me and Baby every two weeks. It happened as usual, aside from the fact that Mr. Robot was there this time. I got weighed, gained another 3 pounds, she said I should keep going like that for another month and my baby will most likely be at a healthy weight when it's born.

"That's great Elliot." Mr. Robot kept talking, I wanted to answer him but with Layla being in the room I chose not to react.

Checked my blood pressure, it's all good. She was kind of surprised when she saw how big Baby got, at first she thought the scan was messed up but turns out this polyhydramnios is going away. Each and every time I see Baby on screen I feel so happy, something seems to finally go right in my life.

"Yes, it is."

Why won't he shut up? Of course like always Darlene had to chime in with something. This time she noticed my stretch marks.

"I'm surprised she still hasn't noticed you waddling."

When will she ever keep her mouth shut? She bought me some cream, said I should keep my skin moisturized. And of course, Layla just agreed with her, adding fuel to the fire. I suppose she is right, maybe I should try some out. Luckily Darlene went out so she won't be like "told you so". It's hard to move around already at this stage so I slowly got up from the chair at my desk and got a jar of moisturizer from the table. I sat back down and lifted up my shirt. I'll admit, my skin is getting pretty dry. I took a glob of cream on my fingers and began spreading it around on my stomach, focusing on the lower part where the marks are starting to form and my bullet scar. Didn't feel particularly great and only made Baby mad which caused it to repeatedly kick me. It sucks, this kid has gotten so strong it hurts whenever it kicks, another reason for this to be over already. And these stupid Braxton Hicks contraction or whatever, they're getting worse too, luckily they're still not regular. I put the lotion away and went back to my computer, recently I've spent my days reading stories of women who went into labor prematurely. It scares me. I know I'm doing everything well now but every time I think of what I did when I didn't know what was going on. I smoked, I did drugs, fuck I mean I almost killed this kid. I don't know what would have happened if Mr. Robot wouldn't have stopped me. Or just the fact alone that I'm a man, I have no idea what can go wrong. I should stop worrying that's bad too.

"Elliot, stop looking at all of this it isn't good for you." Mr. Robot still hanged around.

All of a sudden I felt a strong sharp pain like in my dream. All of my senses heightened, Baby stopped moving. I don't like this, this isn't good.

"Don't panic, it's just your Braxton Hicks contractions."

"Shut up." I completely shut him out, he went away.

I sat there for a few minutes holding onto my stomach to see if I could feel a difference but nothing happened, I couldn't focus on anything else. After another ten minutes, a felt it again. Okay no, no, no, this isn't fake something's wrong. Flipper walked up to me seemingly concerned about me, it seems she's getting very attached to Baby. I quickly grabbed my phone and dialed Darlene. I waited for her to pick up, my heart racing. No answer. Fuck, try again.

"Pick up!" I spoke through gritted teeth.

After a few rings, she picked up.

"Yes, Elliot what is it?"

"I've felt two contractions in the past 20 minutes, these aren't fake, I don't like this Darlene." I urged clearly frightened.

"Elliot, relax. Listen to me you have to keep calm or you're going to make this worse." She tried to soothe me.

"Do you really think I can relax right now?!" I shouted through the receiver, the dog got scared.

"Don't shout at me I'm trying to help. Call Layla and tell her what's happening, I'm on my way." She hung up on me.

Fuck. I did as she said and called up Layla.

"Hello?"

I felt another sharp pain.

"Layla, I've felt 3 contractions in the past 25 minutes. They're not fake."

"Are they regular?"

"No."

"Relax, if you're actually in labor, you're far from anything happening. I want you to calm down, take deep breaths in and long exhales out, okay can you do that for me? Focus on your breathing Elliot."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in.

"Good now slowly exhale."

I repeated that for a while, I was on the phone with her for over ten minutes while she talked me down.

"What were you doing before this started?"

"Looking at stories of women who went into preterm labor." I admitted.

"Oh, the irony." She sighed.

"Elliot you have to stop doing that, you're only psyching yourself out. You're doing great, everything will be alright but if you're just gonna stress yourself out this may just all go out the window."

Then Darlene walked in, she threw her bag on the floor and crouched next to me.

"Are you okay? Did you have any more contractions?

"Just one but it was a while ago, Layla got me to calm down, nothing since."

"Thank for taking care of him." She spoke to the phone taking it from me and putting it on speaker mode.

"That's my job. Darlene I'd like you to somehow keep him calm, I don't want him stressing over anything especially not the birth. We'll talk about it at the next appointment okay, Elliot?"

"Yeah, okay."

"What happened here anyway?" Darlene questioned.

"It's just false labor, he stressed himself out so much his Braxton Hicks contractions got a lot stronger than usual, most likely to the point where he thought this was it. At least thank god you reacted quickly, Elliot. If you wouldn't have called me and just kept fussing over things, this could have been worse. Get some rest, you need it right now."

"Yeah, I will, thank you."

"Thanks, Layla, Bye." She hung up.

Darlene got up and got me and herself a glass of water.

"I wanna try something." She said as she looked up something on her phone. After a minute she put on beach sounds, she knows I love the beach, haven't been able to go there much with all of this. She stood behind me and told me to close my eyes. She pulled my head back and gently began to massage my head. Her fingers going up and down my scalp in swipes and then in slow circles, shivers ran down my spine. It was quite pleasant I won't lie.

"Get up now."

She helped me get up, took a pillow from my bed and threw it on the ground.

"Come on kneel down."

She helped me down one leg at a time. She brought a chair over.

"Cross your arms and put them on the chair, make yourself comfortable."

What is she making me do? Stupidly I obliged and made myself as comfortable as humanly possible in this position.

"Take off your shirt." She kneeled down behind me.

"Just listen to the waves and the wind, take that in and relax."

She grabbed the lotion and smeared it into her hands, then she took ahold of my back. Darlene began to massage the top of my back slowly but surely she made her way down and then went back up at the same speed. I relaxed into her touch, my muscles finally getting some relief. With her hands now being clenched fists, she put pressure on the small of my back. I moaned at the sweet sensation of pressure lifted from my spine.

"When did you learn this?"

"It's nothing the internet can't teach ya. On a scale from 1 to 10, how relaxed are you right now?"

"A hundred." I said sleepily.

"Are you tired? Come on you should get to bed."

With that she helped me up to my feet, I whined as the dull ache settled back in. She lowered me down on the mattress and after a few minutes, I fell asleep with Flipper by my side.


	10. p3ac3.avi

May - 32 weeks

You'll be happy to hear no more incidents happened. Darlene keeps me away from the computer as much as possible. Instead, she plays card games and board games with me and we watch movies in the evenings. Just like old times. It's times like this when there's nothing to do, nowhere to go that I wish you were actually here with me, you know a lot about me, yet I know nothing about you. You're kinda like Baby, you're there but you don't talk, I talk to you but there's no way for you to answer. Speaking of Baby. What do you think it will be like? Will it be like me? Will it have mental issues and be assigned a psychiatrist too? What am I talking about, it's a baby It can't even make a single thought yet. I can't project myself onto this kid I'm gonna ruin it.

"What if it goes insane because of me?"

"Elliot, what are you on about?"

"What?"

"Are you taking with him again?"

"No Mr. Robot is not here."

"Then this is you thinking out loud. Listen, you will do just fine, this kid is gonna be so normal it'll be weird."

She tried to joke about it although that didn't help.

"Seriously, you have nothing to worry about. This is new for every parent to be. You'll just have to go along with it as it comes and I'm always there for you. Remember, you don't have to do this alone."

There's a knock at the door.

"Hi, Layla come in." Darlene greeted her, Flipper was walking around her. She's gotten used to Layla coming over every two weeks.

"Good to see you, Elliot."

"Likewise."

"Great, shall we get started?"

"I weighed myself this morning, 175 pounds. Honestly, I feel awful right now, I feel like I could bust. Do I still need to gain that much weight?" I was sitting upright on my mattress.

"I know it's hard but if you want your baby to be healthy you have to keep going, at least for another two weeks then you'll be able to come back to a normal diet."

I held my belly pulling at the skin, feeling how much it hurt stretching over the mound that my stomach has become.

"It's only another 2 months Elliot. You've already gone through 7 of them." Darlene tried to encourage me.

"Well, it's not like I have a choice anyway."

"I've got something that may cheer you up." Layla got really enthusiastic.

She put her bag on the table and rummage around in it, she pulled out...

"A stethoscope? How is that gonna cheer me up?"

"A fetal stethoscope to be exact. You'll see, let's get everything done first."

So we did, she checked my blood pressure measured what she needed, felt around to check Baby's position, turned on the ultrasound, Flipper sat next to me.

"You know how usually I turn on the sound and we can hear its heart?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we're not gonna do that today. Instead, I'm gonna put these in your ears and you'll hear it much better. First, this is called 'the bell' I'm gonna press it to your stomach and find the baby's heart." She put the nubs in her ears and pressed the cold metal piece to my skin, she moved it to different places until she seemed to have finally found it.

"Here, take these and listen."

She put the earpieces in my ears and pressed the bell back to my skin. As soon as it made contact I heard a distant 'woosh, woosh' reverberate through the amniotic fluid. Out of my control, I felt my face contort into a big goofy grin. Unbeknownst to me Darlene quickly took her phone and snapped a pic. I only found out later when she sent it to me. It was a totally crazy experience I felt like I was swimming in there with Baby. We played around a little more and I got to hear a bunch of different sounds that happen whenever Baby makes a move. I even got to listen to my own heart. Layla was right, the stethoscope did cheer me up, to put this into perspective Baby cheers me up. Anytime I've been genuinely happy it happened because of it. What a paradox, it stresses me out yet makes me the happiest I've ever been. Sadly nothing lasts forever.

"Okay Elliot on a more serious note, we need to discuss the birth."

Oh no, the dreaded thought. The one I haven't thought of yet preoccupies my mind at all times.

"I need you to describe to me what exactly we're working with down there, is it a normal vagina fully developed like with a woman or it is something else?"

"No, it's more just like an opening which I guess would be like a vagina that leads straight to what I suppose is the cervix, there isn't really anything to stimulate if you will. And it's a little bit smaller, located behind my scrotum."

I felt so embarrassed talking about this, never in my life did I think I'd have to describe it to someone. Much less that'd ever carry a child.

"Where do you want this to happen?"

"I don't want the hospital." My answer was stern.

"Elliot, they'll take good care of you there." Darlene protested.

"I don't want this to be public."

"Then the only other place is here, I'll see if I could possibly get some necessary equipment from the hospital. You do realize this makes it really dangerous? If anything goes wrong I will have to call this an emergency."

It can't go wrong.

"Yes."

"We still have time so we can kind of figure out how things will plan out. Elliot I will have to perform a physical exam on you in the coming weeks so that I know what to expect."

I looked straight at her, eyes full of terror. Fuck there's no way out of this.

All I can do is mentally prepare for what lies ahead of me.

"That' all I need from you today. I'm gonna have to get going. Just one last question. Has your chest been bothering you at all since last time?"

God, this again.

"No it's just slightly swollen and sore, but nothing else happened."

That has actually made it a bit uncomfortable to sleep, between a heavy stomach and a sore chest and having trouble finding a good spot to sleep in. I tried putting pillows under my belly for support but that only does so much and my chest makes it hard to lie on my side.

"Okay, good. I'll get going, till next time." She left.

"Elliot, you know what I just thought about?"

"No." I laid on the mattress petting Flipper.

"You keep calling it Baby but have you ever thought of any names?"

I drew a blank. I had completely cast the thought aside.

"Actually no." I finally answered her.

She came to join me and the dog on my mattress.

"Well, we better get thinking, right?

She retrieved a notepad from her backpack and got a pen from my desk then came back to sit next to me.

"What do you think of Darlene for a girl? Like the Led Zeppelin song."

"Oh I don't know seems a little bit old-fashioned, don't you think." I went along with her game.

"It's not old-fashioned, nevermind. What about Ethan?"

"Nah."

"Okay, then Eric?"

"Are you gonna list off all names that start we 'e'?"

"No, I just thought of those in that succession jeez. Why don't you try, smartass."

"I don't know, maybe Isabelle? Or Ciara?"

"Those are so pretty. Okay, let's just say whatever name comes to mind now. I'll start, Lilly."

"Mathew."

"Hailey."

"Thomas."

I felt Baby kid at that name, I flinched.

"You like that name Baby?" Darlene noticed.

She paused mulling the name over.

"Thomas Alderson. I like that. Sounds like the one from The Matrix. What was his name?"

"Anderson?" I filled the blank for her.

"Yeah, Thomas Anderson. Haha, how fitting for a hacker's baby."

"Hey, don't get too ahead of yourself. We don't even know what's it's gonna be yet."

"Oh come on Elliot, What do You feel it's gonna be? What does your maternal instinct tell you? Or paternal, whatever."

I sat and thought about it.

"A boy I guess." I deadpanned looking at the floor.

"Let's do this another time I don't feel so good, I'm nauseous."

Darlene started rubbing my back.

"It's okay, don't fret about it."

"Darlene can you stay here with me, for the night. Don't sleep on the couch."

"Yeah, sure." She kept rubbing my back.

Later I fell asleep in her arms, that was the best sleep I've had in months.


	11. unp1e4sant.tc

June - 36 weeks

Thankfully this past month was uneventful, although I did miss a check-up as Layla was out of town and couldn't make it. Having to go a month without seeing Baby kind of kept me on edge, luckily I still have the videos to look at and the very first ultrasound picture still hangs on the fridge. Darlene eventually caught me waddling over to the bathroom, she thought it was cute which was unexpected. I thought she'd tease me about it. But she's a good sport, she gave me a couple more massages when she'd notice I was fretting over something and talk it out with me. I'm feeling Baby less and less which was one of the reasons I stressed but apparently it's just too tight for Baby to comfortably move around.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed it's been easier to breathe but I kinda feel like there's a bowling ball low in my pelvis, I constantly feel like I have to walk with my legs farther apart, it's weird. I'm at 180 pounds, I feel like a couldn't possibly get bigger even if I tried. Yet I'm definitely smaller than what a woman would be at this point, I don't know how they do it.

I looked up home births since this is gonna happen here I thought I should know what to expect. All there is is a bunch of pictures of women in inflatable pools. Do I have to do this? Is that necessary? All these people in these pictures are so happy, holding their newborns with the biggest of smiles on their faces. The women have an expression of relief, I can't even imagine the pain they went through. You may say I'm about to find out, I don't want to think about it. Don't think about it until it comes, I'll take it went it's here.

I felt a particularly strong fake contraction, they're getting really uncomfortable and all I can think about when they happen is every time I thought I was losing Baby. Sometimes they're that strong I really think it may happen. But Darlene always manages to calm me down.

I'm not really fond of today's appointment, at least not the latter part.

I laid on the mattress, Layla checked Baby's position. She said it dropped which apparently means it settled lower in my pelvis which is probably why I can breathe better and feel something in between my legs, that something being its head.

"Okay, Elliot I know this is unpleasant but I have to do it."

Layla tried to prepare me for what's to come, I don't think anything can.

"You may want Darlene to leave the room because you need to take off your pants and underwear."

"Yeah, I'll just go get some groceries and walk the dog."

With Darlene out of the apartment, I took my pants off and proceeded to remove my underwear. God this is so awkward. I sat back down on the mattress, I couldn't look at her.

"Okay, spread your legs and bend your knees."

I did as she said. I didn't say I word, just looked around the room. I gulped, she probably heard it, the silence is deafening. She put on a pair of disposable gloves and settled between my legs. All I wanted to do was close them but I had to fight the urge. She pushed my balls aside to inspect the orifice, I looked up to the ceiling.

"Well, just like you said, it's just an opening. No other characteristics developed."

Sure just keep drawing this out, make it as long as possible. It's not like this is embarrassing or anything. She put some sort of lube on her glove and stuck two fingers in the hole, I jolted at the sudden entrance. I never consciously felt anything go up in there, what a foreign sensation. I felt her fingers move up and touch me from the inside, though I couldn't tell what she was doing.

"Yep, it definitely dropped I can feel it's head."

"What?!"

"Don't worry, I'm not actually touching it I'm just feeling it through the uterine wall around your cervix."

Fuck, she scared me. Layla removed her fingers and took off her glove. It probably lasted no more than a minute but it felt like forever.

"It's okay, you can get dressed now."

As quickly as I could manage in my state, I put on my boxer briefs and hiked up my pants.

"There is slight effacement with no signs of dilation."

"What does that mean, is that good?"

"Your cervix is getting finner, that's what it means. Basically, you're nowhere close to anything happening, relax we've still got time."

Out of the blue, I remembered all those pictures I looked at earlier.

"Do I need to buy a pool?"

"Excuse me?" She looked at me confused.

"When I looked up home births, a lot of them were women in inflatable pools. Do I need that?"

I don't even know why I asked, it just came out of me.

"No Elliot, that's a water birth, I don't think you'd like that. It is in some instance better but that would involve a lot of breach of personal space to a significant degree. Are you okay with that?"

"No."

"Thought so. You don't need to prepare anything of the sort. You'll be having a natural birth, it'll be just fine."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna head out now." She gathered all her things and left.

I stood in the middle of my apartment, hand on my stomach.

"What am I gonna do with you Baby? You're gonna be here soon and I don't even have any clothes to put on you. Clothes... I don't have anything for you. I just realized. I'm so unprepared for this. What do I even need?"

I made my way over to a chair, I can't really stand for too long anymore.

"I'd say a crib would be a good way to start."

I looked up, Mr. Robot sat across from me.

"You need bottles, diapers, dummies the list goes on."

"Where do I even get all that?"

"The store Elliot, they have stores for that. Gosh, your mother was the same, she'd forget such simple things and blame it on her 'pregnancy brain'."

"Right."

"You better make a list or else you'll forget."

He smiled at me. I heard the door open and Darlene walked in with a fresh hot pizza. Flipper jumping at my feet.

"Cowabunga dude, it's pizza time Elliot."

I just looked at her, stayed silent.

"Hey, talk to me. What happened?" She sat next to me where Mr. Robot just was, he disappeared again.

"I was thinking how we've got nothing for Baby. No crib, no clothes no nothing." I stared blankly at her.

"It's okay, we've still got a month to go. We'll get all that's needed. Now come on I'm sure you're hungry."

She tried enthusing me. I won't lie, I was hungry. Once she opened the box and I took in the sight of it as well as the smell I got even hungrier.

About an hour later and three-quarters of the pizza was gone I barely ate the two slices I had, I can't eat much nowadays.

"What's up? Usually, it's you who eats more than me."

"I can't fit anymore or I'll puke. With all my organs squished like they are, there are not many things, I do like I used to if you haven't noticed. I don't really recommend it, not to say you shouldn't have kids. I want a nephew or niece too, you know?"

"Yeah, sure, maybe in the future. I'm not planning on it now."

"Neither was I."

Our previously happy mood went sour.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up." I blamed myself.

"No Elliot, I know it's hard for you. I can't possibly imagine all the thoughts that have gone through your head since you found out. Remember, no matter how bad they get please don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong and you're getting a beautiful baby out of it."

"Yeah, sure uh... I'm tired I'm... gonna head to bed."


	12. 3m0ti0ns.ksd

Early July - 38 weeks

Baby can come any day now, this is crazy. To think that in less than two weeks there's gonna be a little human here. I little person that I'll have to take care of. Never thought of myself as a father, I never thought I'd have kids. I'll do my best to take care of this kid no matter what. Since I'm not taking a step out of the apartment these days, Darlene went clothes shopping for Baby. She mainly bought unisex one-piece pajamas since for now, it's just Baby. I took a look at them, never realized how small newborns are. And the little socks? They barely fit two of my fingers, it's crazy.

"Hey Baby, you're finally gonna get out of there soon. Can't wait to meet you. I can feel you squirmin' around, you probably wanna get out as quickly as you can too huh?"

At least it's doesn't kick me anymore, it can't, there's not enough space. It hurt quite a bit, I'm slightly relieved I don't have to endure that anymore. One thing I did notice about all of this is, the farther along you are the grosser it gets. I've been getting this discharge in my underwear in the past few days. It's like pinkish and there's blood in it, kinda scary to be honest. I haven't told Darlene about it, it's not like I have to tell her every detail. Although I think I have to mention it to Layla. I get a feeling it may mean something.

"Elliot when are you gonna order the crib? You were supposed to do it two days ago?"

"I forgot."

"I can see that. You better get on it or it'll be here late."

We looked for cribs online in the Manhattan area so that Darlene could go get it but the closest store was out of stock. We had to wait for a little for them to restock and then I'd order it and she'll go get it but I forgot, I should get on it. I can't stop thinking about the fact that it's so close. I've waited for months, it feels surreal. A terrifying thought. God of all people it had to be me. I had to wind up the goddamned hermaphrodite. Fuck.

"Don't take this the wrong way Baby, I love you but this world has a crude sense o humor. I don't even see the humor in this, to be honest, don't know why I said that. Forget about it."

"Elliot, stop it, enjoy your last moments of loneliness because they'll be gone in no time."

Little does she know I haven't been alone for a while now. Isn't that right Friend? You get me, don't you? Well, now there'll be three of us.

"Don't you mean four?"

Of course, Mr. Robot had to show up now.

"You, me, your imaginary friend and the kid. That makes four right?"

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"What?" Darlene thinks I'm addressing her.

"You didn't forget about me did you, Elliot? How could you?"

"You're not a part of this, in fact, this is all because of you."

"You said you don't blame me."

"I don't."

"Are you hearing yourself, you're not making sense."

"Shut up."

"Elliot, what is going on? Is he here?"

"Oh I see, it's one of your mood swings in full force huh?"

I put the palms of my hands over my eyes, moved them and tugged at my hair frustrated.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing, I'm just hanging around as I've been for the past six months. Can't I keep an eye on my son?"

"You're not my father you're a ghost."

"Elliot look at me. He doesn't exist, it's just you and me here."

Darlene sat next to me and held my hand.

"What if someday he takes over me while I'm taking care of the kid?"

"Elliot I wouldn't do that to you."

"We'll make sure he doesn't."

I caressed my stomach, the urge to protect Baby is so strong yet I feel helpless.

"I'm not a maniac, I'm not crazy."

He's getting angrier by the second.

"I care for you! I wouldn't harm you that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here?"

"Fuck, Elliot." He hit the table with his fist. Flipper looked up from her dog bed.

"Elliot, why did you do that? Relax."

"I should be asking you that. Why I'm I here? I'm here because of you, you should know. Why I'm here."

What? What is he talking about?

I created him. I should know why.

"Every time you're here it's to check on me. You keep saying you care."

"Remeber what you said? As much as there is a part of you in me, there is a part of me in you. You're the good part Elliot, I can't change that."

"That's why you hang around. You care, but you don't care about just me. You care about it too." The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

"What are you saying?" Darlene didn't comprehend a thing.

"The only reason I would ever take over is to protect you, or the kid"

He walked over to me and crouched in front of me. He laid one hand on my stomach.

"Be good to your dad kiddo." Was all he said.

Someone knocked, I looked at the door, it's probably Layla. When I looked back to Mr. Robot he was gone.

"Can you get the door?"

"What? Are we not gonna talk about what just happened?"

There was a knock again.

"Hold on, one moment." Darlene hollered.

"Not now Darlene."

She let out a frustrated sigh and went to get the door.

"Hi Layla, sorry you had to wait."

"Oh, it's fine. How are you today Elliot?"

"Good."

This being one of my last check-ups, not much happened. We did everything like we always did, weight, blood pressure and all that. God,182 pounds. How did that even happen? I hope I'll lose it quickly enough. 'You better be the size of a healthy baby, kiddo. I did this for you.' Not much to see on the ultrasound these days. Although I will always love seeing Baby's profile, I had Layla print out a screenshot. It's so precious with its little button nose. Speaking of newborn noses, I hate when people say 'Aw he has your nose.' After a baby was just born. It's doesn't. Okay? It looks like a potato.

"Elliot?"

"Huh?"

"I asked you a question."

"What?"

"Have you noticed anything strange since last time I saw you?"

"No, not much has changed."

"Okay."

"But there is one thing."

"Go on then."

I'm in the spotlight about to say something unpleasant, I hate those moments.

"There's this... substance, discharge that's coming out of me. It's kinda pink and there's blood in it sometimes."

I felt so vulnerable in this instance.

"Sounds like your mucus plug is coming out."

"Doesn't that mean he'll give birth soon? In like days?"

Darlene seems to know quite a bit about this.

"Not necessarily, if this weren't his first pregnancy he could have the baby tomorrow but since this is his first, it could still take weeks for anything to happen. Anything else?"

"No, just that."

"Okay, Darlene it may be time for you to leave."

"Fine. Be back in twenty. I'll take the dog too." She rolled her eyes, took her bag and left.

"What? Why?"

"I have to do a physical exam, Elliot."

Not again.

"Do you really have to?"

"Yes, especially after you said your mucus plug is gone. Maybe things have progressed since last time."

To my dismay, this has to happen. I loathe it. I can't think how could someone possibly like this. I removed the lower part of my outfit and assumed the same position as last time.

"Hmm. I don't even have to tell you how to sit, you're becoming a pro at this."

Stop it, Layla, no amount of jokes can make this any less awkward. We both know that. Just like two weeks go she lubed up her glove and stuck her fingers up me. One of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I just looked around the room, no way I could look at her. She keeps murmuring something under her breath. After a moment she removed her hand and took off the glove.

"Well, it's better than last time. Your cervix is nearly completely effaced and your one centimeter dilated. Congratulation, things are moving along. Don't get ahead of yourself, you're not in labor or anything, It can take days before anything begins."

"Days or weeks?"

I put my clothes back on.

"Could be weeks."

"Well, then it's not that paramount."

"Hold your horses, buddy. None of this will happen quickly for you. It'll be more like a turtle or a snail, you'll have a slow delivery. It will be hours of excruciating pain."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I'm serious, Elliot. This'll be a pain like you've never felt before, it's not a fun ride."

"Yeah, ok."

What is this? Is she trying to scare me?

A few minutes later she packed her bag and left, soon after Darlene came back, Flipper run right up to me.

"Can we talk about this now?"

"About what?" I was petting the dog.

"About the fact that you just go into some trance, and talk to an imaginary person."

"What about it?"

"HAH! What about it? Are you kidding me? Elliot. When this happened I was completely unaware, I only realized because I know about him but think into the future. What if you suddenly do this next to your kid? Do you realize how scary that can be to them? You didn't even seem to be hearing me."

She was pissed.

"I did hear you, I'm aware of my surroundings when that happens."

"Yeah well, you're not aware of peoples emotions. You can't do this anymore, you have to learn to control it or something."

She's genuine. I hadn't even thought of that.

"God I knew there'd be a way I'd fuck this kid up."

I swiped a hand over my face.

"Relax, nothing has happened yet. It's okay, you just have to be more conscious about what's happening when these things happen from now on."

She walked up to me and hugged me.

"This kid better, get out soon, it's getting harder to hug you."

I looked down at her and smiled.

"Thanks."

She pulled back.

"What for?"

"For looking out for me and for taking care of me these past few months."

"Don't forget about the little hacker over here."

She touched my stomach.

"Hacker?"

"It hacked its way into your heart. I'd say that's quite fitting."

It's my bug. I had to adapt to it, it changed me. The inevitable upgrade.


	13. th3_6irth.asec

Mid-July - 40 weeks

I'll be forty weeks tomorrow, can you believe that? Nine months. Two hundred and seventy-four days, three quarters of a year. That's a long time.

I'm pretty much ready for this to be over. I've been having this dull backache for the past hour and it won't let up, hope I'll be able to fall asleep. Not even one of Darlene's massages can make it go away. I think my stomach is starting to ache too, it's a like a belt of pain from back to front. It's making me nauseous, I feel like shit. I better go to sleep.

*Next morning*

The pain in my back is still there, I think it may even be stronger than last night. You can ad Braxton Hicks contractions to the mix. Perfect. I woke up around nine o'clock but stayed in bed until ten, I hadn't realized the mattress is wet. I must've dreamed I went to take a piss.

"Morning."

"Morning, Darlene."

"Want anything to eat?"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry." I'll puke if I eat anything.

"Well, that's new. Why are you frowning? Is something wrong?"

"I have awful back pain and I feel nauseous, that's what's wrong. And we'll have to change the mattress I think I peed myself when I was sleeping."

"You sure it's piss?"

"No Inspector Gadget but if I wake up in a pool of wetness that's usually my first thought."

I'm so done with the pain that sarcasm is the only way I could answer that.

Darlene walked over to my bed, she took a look at the bed linens.

"I don't think that's pee, Elliot."

"What, are you an expert now?"

"No doofus, but if you'd actually take a look at it, you'd notice it's clear and there's not a lot of it."

I felt a strong contraction rip through me, this one was different, I think that was a real one. I felt more fluid between my legs. I froze in place.

"Elliot are you okay?" Darlene asked concerned.

I felt the fluid flow down my leg, it pooled on the floor. I looked at the ground, it was clear with a small swirl of blood within it.

"I think my water broke."

I looked at Darlene shocked, her face a mirror image of my own.

"Okay, let's do this calmly alright? You're going to take a shower and change your clothes and I'll clean up and call Layla."

I stood frozen, my hand started shaking. It's actually happening. Darlene walked up to me and held my shaking hand.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah..."

"You're gonna be okay Elliot relax, from what I've heard this is a very slow process so no rush."

She walked me to the bathroom, leaving wet footprints as I went and left me to my own devices. After the initial shock was over I began to undress and walked in the shower. Before I turned the shower on I Heard Darlene talk to Layla.

I turned the shower on and let the water run down my face.

"Hi Layla, yeah I'm good... No, I'm not calling for the appointment. We think Elliot's water broke... No, it was clear and didn't smell, really. Did he have any contractions? Hold on I'll ask him. - Elliot?"

"What?"

"Did you have any contractions yet? Like real ones, you know?" She half yelled so I'd hear her over the water.

"I think I had one when I realized my water broke." I yelled back.

"He says he had one about fifteen minutes ago. Okay, will do. Yeah thanks, see ya."

When I got done showering I slipped on some fresh clothes and went to sit on the couch.

"How do you feel?" She brought me a glass of water.

"Better, my back still aches but I guess that's gonna be constant."

"Yeah, do you think you'll be able to tell when you're having contractions?"

As fate would have it that's the moment another contraction hit me. I felt my abdomen cramp making me nauseous. It lasted about half a minute, I just closed my eyes and waited it out. I only spoke when it ended.

"Now, I had one now." I kept my eyes closed.

"Okay, you have to tell me when you have them. Layla asked that we time them. So that was about a half hour since the first one."

"Yeah speaking of Layla, when is she gonna come?"

"She said you're in early labor or something and that she's not needed yet, she'll come around 5 pm. You now have to relax and keep your strength, you're gonna need it."

"She'll be here In six hours?! And how long is this supposed to last?"

"She said early labor can last up to twelve hours. Elliot this is the easy part, I don't want to scare you but this is gonna get worse."

"How worse?"

"That I don't know, I've never been pregnant. You'll find out when you get there."

"Fucking great." I pinched the bridge of my nose.

*3 hours later*

The only good thing so far is that because this is going so slow I'm not that freaked out yet. I've had about 6 contractions in the past three hours and they're only twenty-two minutes apart, so far they're not that bad. Maybe it's just my mind but they seem to get longer. Remember when I said there's a bowling ball in my pelvis? Yeah well now it's even heavier, the pressure is getting worse.

"You know, Elliot, I've heard walking makes it better or speeds it up or something, it's beneficial is what I'm trying to say."

"You want me to walk around in circles?"

"No, you can walk out of the apartment into the hallway."

"Fine, help me up."

I got up from the couch and headed towards the door. Just as I grabbed the doorknob a contraction struck me. I gripped the doorknob my knuckles turning white.

"We're good for another twenty minutes at least."

I informed Darlene after the pain subsided. I walked out the door, Darlene behind me. As soon as I took in the sight of the hallway I got self-conscious. Darlene walked over to the other end.

"Come on, Elliot. Come to me."

I looked at the doors on either side, they could open at any second and someone could see me. With that thought in mind, I slowly made my way over to her.

"I don't feel comfortable doing this, Darlene."

"It's okay we're going back now."

We walked back to my apartment door.

"I think I'd rather walk in here."

For the next half hour, I walked around aimlessly. I guess it did kind of help. Don't know how but my back doesn't hurt as much as it did. I kept walking until my legs got tired.

"I think I'll take a nap." I laid back in bed, Flipper ran over to me and slept as well.

*3 and a half hours later*

I was awakened by a particularly strong contraction, I think it's the longest so far. I heard the distant chatter of two female voices. I sat up still a little drowsy, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Hey... welcome back from the dead." Darlene's soft voice greeted me.

"What time is it?"

"It's about a quarter past six. How are you feeling?"

"I just had a contraction so as to be expected, sore."

"Do you want to eat anything? You haven't eaten since yesterday."

"I'm not that hungry but a sandwich would be good."

She went on to make me a sandwich, I barely ate it all.

"Excited for the big day Elliot?"

"To be honest, Layla. I imagined it a little differently."

"Hah, don't worry this is just the part you didn't know about. They don't usually portray it well in movies. Now that you're awake I'd like to examine you."

"One second I have to use the bathroom."

I came back out and sat on the couch.

"Listen to me now. I will examine you to check your progress, later throughout I will be checking the baby's heart rate with a portable Doppler. If you or the baby will be at risk or its heart rate drops too low, we have to go to the hospital, Elliot, you cannot fight me on this. You understand?"

"...Yeah."

As much as I hated that thought, Baby's health is more important to me I can't risk losing it now... or ever.

Moving on, Layla checked my blood pressure, it's more on the upper part of the scale but not bad. We went over to the mattress and she did the ultrasound just to monitor Baby. So far so good, it's doing alright. She pulled out the Doppler or whatever it was to check Baby's heartbeat. Its heart rate is within the norm. The static sound of the machine like soft ocean waves and the little pitter patter of its heart, rhythm to my soul.

"You have to keep yourself hydrated or I'll have to hook you up to an IV. If you're dehydrated, labor could last longer which could endanger the baby."

Right as she finished her sentence I felt a contraction coming, I gripped tightly onto the bedspread, my brows knitted together.

"Just breath through them, Elliot."

Darlene sat by my side and started rubbing my back. After a moment it let up.

"How long has it been since the last one? It wasn't that long ago."

"Thirteen minutes, they're getting closer together."

"They're getting really uncomfortable." I tried moving to find a more pleasant spot.

"I know, I know." Darlene spoke with a tone of understanding in her voice.

...

"I have to check your dilation now." Layla slightly ruined the moment.

Darlene stood up and went over to the couch and started petting the dog.

"I won't look I promise." She held up her pinky for a pinky promise.

With Layla's help, I got up and removed my sweats, I didn't bother putting on any undies given the circumstance. I sat back down on the mattress and assumed the needed position. She put on her gloves and did her part.

"You're close to two centimeters dilated, that's great."

After she was done I put my pants back on.

"Wasn't I like, one centimeter two weeks ago? I wouldn't say that's great more like, really slow."

Darlene came back and sat at my desk.

"The first stage of labor is always slow, that's just how it works, Elliot. Once you'll get past three centimeters you'll go into active labor and things are gonna pick up their pace."

"And how long until that?"

"Hard to say exactly when but within the next 6 hours."

The thought alone of how long this is apparently gonna take made me tired. Although I'm starting to get a little anxious. If this is the easy part and my contractions are getting stronger, what will they be like in the next few hours?

*2 hours later*

I feel like some sort of experiment, Layla kept asking me questions to compare my experience to other women. She says it's not that different so far.

"We're gonna check the heart rate now. Just so you know the further along you get the more often I'll be doing this."

I lifted up my shirt and saw my stomach slightly move to the right as it contracted. I squeezed my eyes shut to bear the pain and tried breathing through it.

"You're doing great Elliot."

Darlene sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my forearm to comfort me.

After the contraction ebbed, Layla proceeded with her actions.

"The baby's heart rate is at 130, good. It's still doing okay."

I rubbed my stomach to try and loosen some of the muscles. Darlene stood up and grabbed a chair from the table.

"Sit down."

With some help, I got off the couch went to sit on the chair backward. She pulled at my shirt to take it off, I lifted my arms and let her do it. Darlene took a glob of lotion into her hands and began massaging my back, I just propped myself on the back of the chair, arms crossed. I didn't say a word just let out a slight sigh of relief. I closed my eyes as she kneaded the muscles in my lower back. Soon after a contraction hit, I lowered my head and pressed my forehead to the back of the chair rocking my skull back and forth. I let out a moan of discomfort, as Darlene kept rubbing my lower back.

"Your back is so hard when it contracts, that's gotta be painful."

"Trust me, it is." I spoke, my voice muffled by my forearms.

"How long has it been since the last one?"

"Seven minutes."

"Aaah..." I groaned exhausted.

"Relax Elliot, you're doing great."

Darlene kept rubbing my back with her palm as if the heat could make the pain go away.

"This is so slow." I can't take it anymore.

"Maybe you'd like to do something? You should take your mind off of it. You know?"

"What do you propose, Layla? I'm all ears."

I put my shirt back on while she spoke.

"Well, I don't know. You could play a game or something."

I tilted my head back.

"I think I'll come up with something."

I need to hack, that's the only thing that'ill take my mind off of this. Why didn't I think of this earlier? I'll hack Layla, see who she really is. What was that scandal Darlene talked about?

What could her password be? She doesn't seem too preoccupied with technology, she probably didn't think about it too long.

Hint question: Name of pet. How typical.

"Layla do you have any pets?"

"No, but I used to when I was a kid. I had a dog his name was Muffins. Why are you asking?"

"Oh, I'm just curious. You don't talk much about yourself. How old are you actually? If you don't mind me asking."

"OH, what do I care if people know how old I am. I'm thirty-two."

"You look like you're twenty-eight."

"Aw thank you."

Got it, Muffins84. She probably uses the same password for all her accounts.

I logged onto my computer and checked all her social media accounts. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, don't even know why she has them, she doesn't seem to post much.

She's in her early thirties, single, no kids. Ironic how she kept telling me how it is to give birth but she doesn't have any kids of her own. Well, she's an OB/GYN I guess she's speaking of other women's experiences. She's a New York native, went to Columbia University, graduated top of her class. At least she's good. Her Facebook friends are mostly people from work. She doesn't have any family except one brother. She travels a lot, the job pays well huh? On Twitter, she mostly follows news outlets like The New York Times or CNN. She follows a lot of self-help and inspirational accounts like the Dalai Lama but she's not religious. Her Instagram is full of pictures of her travels. She mainly travels to hot countries and stereotypical beautiful islands. There's another girl that appears in a few of them. Darlene did make sure no trace was left. But, like she said, she can always make it resurface.

What about her emails? Damn her work emails are practically empty. Erased everything before 2015. Interesting. She doesn't use her personal email much, her life is definitely work based. She has one friend with whom she consistently writes. It's the girl from her travel pics. Most likely her travel buddy.

This can't be it. Darlene must have something about her.

"Hey, uh Darlene? Can I use your laptop? I need to check something.

"If it makes you feel better? Sure."

She passed me her laptop so I wouldn't have to walk all the way over to the table. I looked at her private folders one of them is just titled 'LJ'. I struck gold. There are some old emails between colleagues, they talk about Layla and how she apparently slept with the medical director to get to where she is. She doesn't strike me as that type. Did that even happen or was it just rumors? I set Darlene's laptop aside.

Layla was right it sure took my mind off of things. It's been forty minutes and I've been so focused I easily bore through the past five contractions I just had to breathe through them.

I can't do it anymore though, they're getting too painful to just sit through. Just as I stood up a particularly vicious one hit me, the pain going to my legs. They gave out, I crouched by my desk holding onto it with one hand, the other supporting my stomach.

"Ahh"

Was all that came out of me. Darlene and Layla both stopped their activities and walked over to me. Darlene grabbed onto my arm to pull me up.

"NO! Don't. This is comfortable."

I stayed in my crouched position for a while longer, until the contraction passed.

"Help me up."

As I asked, Layla helped me stand.

"I need to check you, Elliot."

We went over to the mattress, I settled down, she put on her gloves.

I hissed at the intrusion.

"Close to three centimeters. Things are moving along."

She removed her hand and let me get dressed.

"Let's check its heartbeat while we're at it."

I lifted up my shirt. She turned on the device and pressed the little-gelled want to my stomach.

"Is it true you slept with the medical director?"

"Elliot?!" Darlene didn't expect me to find out.

Layla's face didn't change, she wasn't even surprised. She kept the Doppler pressed to my stomach, Baby's heartbeat the soundtrack to our conversation.

"No, I didn't. It's a rumor they made up about me, they wanted to get rid of me. Everyone took the bait. Luckily Darlene made it look like nothing ever happened." she glanced Darlene's way.

"You seem to have no problem talking about it."

A contraction pinned me, I stopped talking, and without realizing it started humming to make the pain better.

"I'll listen to its heart through the contraction. Why would I have a problem? It never happened. And it's not like everyone's a hacker who can find that out about me in forty minutes, while he's in labor."

Fuck was it really that obvious? She's smarter than I thought.

"I didn't really get it at first but when you asked for Darlene's laptop I realized why the sudden interest in my person."

My contraction subsided.

"Well, excuse the sudden interest in the person who's looking out for the well being of my child."

I mirrored her somewhat hateful gaze.

"As you saw, I'm not a bad person. My work is my life that's all I care about for now. Heart rate steady at 132. We're good."

"I'll try to take a nap."

I'm really exhausted. After a whole day of this, with the contractions getting stronger and longer I probably won't get much sleep but I need to relax.

The thing is, when there's a contraction, they're intense but in between I'm fine. With how close they're getting, it's becoming more like what I expected. I laid on the mattress, my back facing the window. Every time I'd have a contraction, Darlene was there helping me through it rubbing my back. As boring as this may be I don't think I'd manage to do anything else right now. This is my sole focus. Another one's coming, I feel it travel all the way from my back and my belly down to my legs. I closed my eyes keeping my breath steady, rubbing the swell with one hand. Again, humming to make it better. I'm starting to get really sweaty. The contraction let up and Darlene brought me a glass of water.

*23:05*

We've been like that for about an hour and a half now, just waiting through contractions. They're about five minutes apart. I'm more than four centimeters, finally, things are gonna be more progressive.

"Ahhh, Oohhh. Aaa, this one's bad." It's getting tough to stay quiet during these. I hope I won't end up screaming, I don't want to attract any attention.

"Just breath through it."

This has become Darlene's new mantra, along with rubbing my back.

"Okay, It passed."

"Wow, that one lasted a whole minute. Do you want to walk?"

"No, I need to sit."

I got up from the mattress, I wanted to sit on the chair.

All of a sudden I felt lightheaded, the room started spinning.

"Are you okay?"

I can't feel my legs. I almost collapsed but the girls got me.

"Help me lay him on the couch." Layla took the initiative.

I tried walking to help them so they wouldn't have to carry the whole of my weight. After they laid me down Layla quickly measured my blood pressure.

"100/70 and rising."

She hurried to check Baby as well.

"Luckily the baby's not in distress."

"How do you feel?" Darlene touched my forehead with her hand.

"I'm alright, just got lightheaded."

"Your blood pressure dropped significantly. Next time you stand up, don't do it so abruptly. Slow and steady wins the race. Lay here through your next contraction, then you should be good to stand up."

I waited the five minutes and struggled through my contraction.

"Okay help me up, slowly."

The both of them aided me to my feet. I walked over one of the chairs and sat on it backward, sitting with my legs wide apart relieves some of the pressure that's building up. I started rolling my hips in circles. I'm so tired, it's late but I can't sleep. What a nightmare.

I took off my shirt, don't know if it's the room or me but it's getting hot. I stood up and began walking around. I gripped onto the kitchen counter and crouched, for some reason this position is more comfortable.

*2 hours later*

Fuck, things have gone back to being boring, more painful but boring. This has become monotonous. Sit or walk around, wait through the contractions and start over.

"Maybe you'd like to take a bath? Remember when you did it when it flipped? You said it helped."

I thought about it, the buoyancy force would ease the strain on my back.

"Yeah, sure."

Darlene asked Layla to run the bath, apparently, it needs to be a specific temperature. I put my shirt back on, don't want to be completely naked when I'm in there since the girls hang around me like moths around a lit candle.

"Bath is ready, Elliot."

Layla called a few minutes later from the bathroom.

I walked over to the tub, took off my pants and walked in the water. I sat down, the water pleasantly warm. Sadly the comfort didn't last long as another contraction came. I gripped onto the tub and closed my eyes, my breathing accelerated, I moaned as the pain intensified. Darlene as always came to help me through it. It passed about a minute later.

"I'm gonna check your dilation."

"Like now? In here?"

"Yes, just sit on your knees and prop yourself against the wall."

I did as she said and waited for the hated action.

"You're past five centimeters."

I sat back down.

"I'm never doing this again just because of that alone. You better be good, kid, you're not getting a sibling."

The girls laughed. I kept my eyes closed as I knew a contraction would come soon.

"Come on, Elliot it's not that bad." Darlene protested.

"How would you like to be prodded in a place no-one ever touches and that you shouldn't have in the first place."

I spat bitterly right before the pain struck me.

"Mmm..." I struggled, my breaths getting faster.

"Let's not think about that now, okay? Focus on your breathing, you're gonna have a beautiful little baby today. Let's make sure it gets here all right."

Darlene's words appeased me, I steadied my breathing and bore through the rest of the contraction.

"There you go, that's it."

I relaxed, relishing in the comfort the water brought me. I stayed in the tub for a good half hour, sadly the bath wasn't that much of a relief against contraction. But it did make me feel better.

"You should get out, Elliot, the water's getting cold."

I opened my eyes, he's here. God of all possible moments he could've come, he chose now. Couldn't he have come tomorrow? Fuck. Darlene came back from the kitchen, Layla's on the couch reading a book.

"I need to get out." Not because he says so, I just can't stay in here if he's gonna be there. I know he'll follow me anywhere but I don't know what else to do. I can't answer him, I don't want Layla to find out. Darlene handed me my towel and helped me get out. I quickly dried off and put some pants on. I sat at my computer.

I opened the notepad and began typing.

"Seriously? Now?"

"What? I came for the big day. Did you really expect me to past this up?"

"But there's still like, hours to go. You can come later."

"Trust me I'll just be dropping by, I'm not staying all the way to the end."

Another contraction came, the pressure in my pelvis increased. I couldn't make a move. I sort of whined through it, Mr. Robot stood beside me and started rubbing my back between my shoulder blades.

'I'll be back later, make sure this kid gets here healthy."

And just like my contraction, he went away.

*1 hour later*

I laid in bed shirtless, beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead. Flipper by my side waiting out every contraction with me. They're awful, I don't know why a woman would want to do this more than once. They're about 3 minutes apart, I feel like I've got very little time to rest before the next one comes. Layla's checking Baby's heart rate.

"The baby's heartbeat rose a bit but you're still in the clear. I think you're actually gonna have this baby here."

"No intervention?" I got excited at her words.

"Doesn't look like it as of now but don't get too excited, it can all go downhill at any moment."

"Thanks, buzzkill." It was Darlene's turn to get tired of Layla's constant reminder that things can still turn sour.

The strongest contraction of the night seized me.

My face contorted in pain, I let out a cry of despair. My body began to shake, Darlene faithfully by my side, helping me in any way that she can.

"Oh, he's shaking, there it is. Welcome to the transition phase."

The contraction concluded and I quit shaking. That was intense.

"I need to check you, Elliot."

I know this routine by heart by now. I covered my top half with the covers so I wouldn't be completely naked, took my pants off and got into position, she put on her gloves and proceeded to see how far I've gotten.

"Eight centimeters, this baby's coming soon."

I pulled my pants back on.

"Finally some more progress." My words slurred from exhaustion.

I thought she was gonna say six or something, this is finally getting somewhere.

"I feel sick." This is really taking a toll on me.

"That's perfectly normal, most women feel nauseous during this stage."

I gripped the covers for comfort and rolled over, not sure I'm gonna puke or not.

Darlene massaged my back.

"At least drink some water, Elliot. Don't you dare faint on me right now."

With the way, I feel at the moment it would be a relief. I waited again for my contraction to pass.

"Nnng.., aaah." I clutched my stomach, this is too painful, I want it to stop. With these lasting over a minute now, they're unbearable.

They're all blending into one I can't tell how long has it been, I'm losing perception of time. I don't even know if I'm shivering because of the contractions anymore. Flipper went to her dog bed.

Darlene laid a hand on my forehead.

"Elliot you're burning up."

The information didn't register in my brain, I feel like it's fried.

I was vaguely aware of Layla measuring my temperature.

"100 Fahrenheit, he's almost running a fever, please, bring a cold washcloth. Make a cold compress."

Darlene left my side, I'm alone.

"Don't go. Don't leave me, please..."

"You're not alone Elliot, she'll be right back."

Mr. Robot took her place, he pushed my hair back. He went away and Darlene appeared in front of me, laying the cloth on my forehead.

"Elliot, drink."

She brought a glass to my lips, I took small sips from it.

After what felt like a minute but was probably ten, my senses started coming back. I felt a contraction rip through me.

I rose to a sitting position, my breath labored.

"Elliot, where are you right now?" Darlene looked me in the eye serious.

I couldn't speak until the pain let up. My mind was sober again.

"In my apartment." I affirmed, still feeling the ghost of pain that plagued my muscles.

"What time is it?" She kept on questioning me.

"I don't know. Past three in the morning?"

"It's 5:28 in the morning Elliot. You've been running a fever for the past two hours."

I looked from her to Layla trying to make sense of her words. I put both hands on my belly, the closest contact I have to Baby at the moment.

"What about it? That can't be good."

"Relax Elliot, the baby's not in distress I checked, but there's a possibility it'll have a fever as well. If it does I'll have to take it to the hospital, for intensive care."

"NO. Please."

"We talked about this."

"I kno-"

A contraction cut me off, the pressure in my pelvis increasing. Soon enough it let up.

"I don't. I don't know - how to say this, but. I, I need to push."

I couldn't believe it myself, never thought these words would come out of my mouth.

"No, Elliot, don't yet, I have to see if you're fully dilated otherwise you could tear."

Layla and Darlene pulled my pants off.

I tried with all my might not to push as she checked me, especially since a contraction pinned me in the middle of her doing so.

"Okay, you're good, on your next contraction I want you to push but don't strain okay? Be gentle. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, we can try different positions."

"Hold on, give me my shirt." I tried to retain some semblance of modesty.

When the next contraction came, I pushed. Trust me I never thought I'd be saying this to you either. I felt it move down, this is really happening, fuck.

The contraction stopped and I quit pushing.

"Breathe Elliot, exhale, inhale."

I mimicked Layla for guidance. I repeated the action after every contraction, for some reason after a few minutes I got really uncomfortable.

"I, I need, to move." All of my words are now out of breath.

"Do you want to lie, do you want to stand?"

Darlene is a bit stressed. How could she not? I am too.

"Stand, I think."

The girls helped me stand, I took a couple of steps and felt a contraction coming, I gripped onto Darlene for support, almost hugging her. The urge to push is so strong, I can't help it. I felt my whole abdomen tighten and instinctively crouched, Darlene helping me keep my balance, my column, holding me by my forearms. The pressure unbearable, I cried of pain my eyes shut tight. I felt Baby move lower again. It finally let up, Darlene helped me stand. She pushed back my sweaty hair off my forehead. With every moment the realization of Baby's imminent birth got to me, my breaths quickened, I'm starting to panic, Darlene noticed.

"Hey, hey, hey, Elliot, relax. What is it?"

She held me by my arms tightly, keeping me grounded. I looked at her with huge petrified eyes.

"It's coming, It's really coming, What am I gonna do? I can't take care of a baby."

"Elliot, calm down, it'll be just fine. You'll take care of Baby just fine."

She looked me right in the eyes, her use of Baby's nickname struck me and Shayla's words came back to me. This is my child and no one else's, it's got only me. I need to be strong for it.

"And remember, I'll help you."

My breathing slowed down and another contraction ripped through me. The pain is so overbearing I can only speak after it's over.

"The bed, I need the bed."

My legs are in so much pain, I can't stand it, I need to at least sit-down.

Darlene helped me lie down and laid a towel across my lower half.

I've been pushing for a half hour and feel like I've done no progress.

"I can see the head, the baby's crowning."

Not two contractions later I began feeling a burning sensation.

"Push, Elliot, push. Come on, you're doing great." Layla tried encouraging me.

Tears began to well in my eyes.

"I can't, it burns." I whined exhausted.

"You can do it, Elliot, come on."

Mr. Robot took my hand in his and held it firmly.

"We're all here with you, you're not alone, you can do this. Trust me."

With the next contraction, I pushed, holding onto Mr. Robots hand so tightly I'd probably break his fingers if he were real. But his face didn't show pain, it showed determination. He stayed with me and didn't let go. The pain intensified, Baby making its way out of me.

"Elliot, give me your hand." Layla reached out to me.

"What for?"

"You'll see, just do it."

Hesitantly I reach my hand out to her, she took it and guided it between my legs. She placed it on something that was wet and hairy. I quickly pulled my hand away.

"What was that?!"

"That's your baby's head." She coolly informed me.

"It's there, it's right there." I was shocked, to say the least.

"Yes it is, it's got a full head of black hair. Come on, one more push and the head will be out."

With my next push, I felt the head slip out. Mr. Robot just sat beside me still holding my hand and Darlene washed my forehead with a cold washcloth.

"Okay, Elliot hold on. I need to clear its airways. Now we have to get the shoulders out and this will be over before you know it."

I pushed with every contraction, each worst than the last.

"Darlene, take his shirt off, please."

The towel that was previously laid on my thighs, now my only shield. I feel so vulnerable in these kinds of moments. I don't even know why did she undress me.

"The shoulders are out, I'll help you, now. You don't have to push as hard. Remember Elliot, easy does it."

As I pushed I felt it's body, slide out of me, the pressure relieved. I closed my eyes and let my body go limp on the mattress. After a few seconds, a loud wail filled the room. Fuck, it's gonna wake up the neighbors.

"Time of birth, 7:15 am. Beautiful baby boy."

"Elliot, it's a boy." I think Darlene started crying.

"I'm proud of you son." I sensed Mr. Robot leave.

I heard Layla announce the time and then felt something being laid on my chest, the kid quieted down. I opened my eyes and saw a tiny human being lying on me it's body all wrinkled and covered in a white substance. It squirmed moving its little fist around, wait hold on, what did Layla just say? It's a boy, I have a son. I sat up a bit and reached to hold him, that's really it, he's here. Darlene sat closer to me, marveling at the little infant. I touched his hand with my finger and he grabbed ahold of it, something inside me just told me, I need to do anything for this kid.

"Hi, Baby. I'm your... I'm your..."

The words felt strange coming out of my mouth, I couldn't say it. Darlene caressed his cheek with her finger.

"Hi, little guy, I'm your antie Darlene and this is your dad, Elliot, but you'll call him daddy. Don't worry, he's kinda shy when he meets new people but he'll open up to ya."

"Who'll cut the cord?"

"I'll do it." Just like always Darlene doesn't ask permission, she takes her moment. Layla put two clamps on the umbilical cord and passed Darlene a pair of medical sheers, she placed them in between the clamps and cut.

I felt my body contract again.

"Why am I still cramping?"

"It's the afterbirth, you have to deliver the placenta. Hold the baby Darlene, will you?"

I passed him over to her and Layla massaged my stomach with one hand, it apparently helps. About fifteen minutes and a few pushes later it was out and Layla disposed of it in a medical-grade container. I was finally allowed to put my pants back on.

Darlene put Baby back into my arms.

"So, does he have a name?" She asked after she let go of him.

I looked into his eyes, he has hazel eyes, like my father. None of the names we've previously talked about quite fit, he needs a good name, a strong name.

"Alexander."

I can't keep my eyes off of him.

"Mind if I take him for a bit? I have to make sure he's one-hundred percent okay."

To my dismay, I had to let her do it. She took him and checked his vitals, she weighed him and measured him. He weighs seven pounds and he's twenty inches tall, like an average baby. Luckily he didn't have a fever just a slight temperature so he can stay here.

"Now, this kid needs a birth certificate, I've got the paperwork right here.

Date of birth: 19th July 2017

Place of birth: Manhattan

Name. What's his full name, Elliot?"

I looked at him, once again lying on my chest.

"Alexander Thomas Alderson."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

"Alright, now there's a slight problem I'll write you in as the father obviously but I need a woman's name here, otherwise this certificate doesn't work."

"You can write mine and we'll just use our moms maiden name."

"No Darlene. This needs to be a real name."

"Okay, what do you propose Mr. politically correct?"

I stayed silent for several seconds unsure whether I really wanted to do this.

"Shayla Nico."

Darlene automatically regretted her snarky comment.

"Who's that?"

"Alexander's mother, that's who she is, you don't need to know more."

Darlene spoke for me.

"Alright, that's all. I suggest you rest now, Darlene and I will look after the kid when your sleeping, he needs a bath."

To be honest I don't know how I haven't fallen asleep yet but as time passes and my body relaxes I can fell the sleep creeping up on me. I handed Alex over to Darlene and tried to get some rest.


	14. p0stp4rtum.hc

6 hours later

I woke up around two in the afternoon, at first I didn't remember what happened but quickly was reminded thanks to how incredibly sore I am. As soon as I recollected my thoughts I tried standing up to look for Darlene, not without a struggle as I feel like my insides have been ripped out of me, slightly reminiscent of when I got shot. I took a look at the sheets, they're ruined, covered in blood and other fluids, it looks like a crime scene. The dog is sleeping. It's quiet in the apartment, did they leave? Then where's the kid? I walked over to the crib that now stands on the left of my mattress, he's inside, sleeping. How strange, mere hours ago he was still inside me. I feel empty inside, physically, even though I look like I'm about six months pregnant I feel a hollow space within me.

"You did good kid."

Mr. Robot appeared next to me, put one hand on my shoulder.

"I'm proud of you, he's beautiful. Has my eyes."

"You couldn't help yourself, could you?"

"You know I can't."

"What now?"

"Life goes on Elliot, this is just the beginning. You have a long life ahead of you."

I looked at him confused. Why is he so optimistic all of a sudden?

"Just, don't do the same mistakes I did."

He patted my shoulder and he was gone. I looked down into the crib Alex sleeping soundly, 'This is just the beginning.'

I felt so dirty after all of this, I went to take a shower. It was the best shower I've had in a long time, while in there I heard Darlene and Layla walk in. After I was done I took a look at myself in the mirror, my eyes are even more sunken, exhausted, my stomach slightly deflated but still fairly distended, the dark line in the middle of it remained. I came back into the room to the sight of Darlene changing the bed sheets.

"How are you feeling?" Layla was next to the crib.

"I'm okay."

The kid started crying, she pulled him out and cradled him.

"Elliot, do you want to breastfeed him? I've been bottle feeding him formula since you were sleeping but now that you're awake do you wanna try?"

I looked at him, my mind went blank. I still can't believe he's real, what if this is just a huge delusion, what if I imagined all of this and none of it is real?

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to feed him?" She looked at me unsure whether I would answer.

Do I wanna do this? I should, he's my son. That's still the weirdest of it all, I'm a parent. I looked at Layla with indifferent eyes.

"Yeah."

We walked over to the couch she had me sit down, I took my shirt off and she passed me the baby. I looked on not quite knowing what to do.

"Here, hold his head with you're hand like that. Bring him closer to your chest and touch his lips with your nipple, once he feels it he should latch on."

I did as she said, he latched onto my nipple and began sucking. It feels really weird, kinda tingles. What do I do now? Do I just sit here? How long does this last?

"When he's done with your first breast you should burp him and then do the other one. And if you feel any camps don't be alarmed it's just your uterus shrinking back down. You may feel them on and off for the next few days."

After about fifteen minutes he seemed to get sleepy, Layla told me I should switch so she helped me burp him and then I held him to the opposite side of my chest. Overall, I sat there for about a half hour holding him until he was done, he fell asleep, Darlene took him and placed him back in the crib.

Later Layla checked to see how I'm doing physically when she was sure I was alright she left for good, said she'd like to see me in a few weeks.

Darlene sat on the couch next to me.

"How are you holding up? You just went through some major shit. How does that feel? How do You feel?"

Do I tell her? That, I'm not ecstatic, I'm not elated. I don't really feel anything, it just happened and now it's over. I'm bound to take care of this little human. I've gone through months of exhaustion and a whole day of horrendous pain. For what?! What is wrong with me? Where did these thoughts come from?

"That was the most physically painful day in my life. What do you want me to tell you?"

"No, Elliot. I know you're tired, I can see that. I mean how do you feel in here?" She pointed to my head with her finger.

I looked down.

"I don't know how to feel."

The room was completely quiet, Darlene just looked at me as if she was trying to understand why. I was trying to figure that out too.

I felt my abdomen tightened, at first just slight discomfort that gradually morphed into this uncomfortable ache. I frowned and tried to relax on the couch. In reality, it probably isn't that bad but since I'm sore all over it most likely feels worse than it is.

"What is it?"

"Cramps." I choked out. I kept my eyes closed and my head tilted back, trying to cope with the discomfort. My legs started to bounce up and down, for some reason it helped. These aren't like the contractions though, they don't go away, they linger for a while. Darlene stood up and helped me to the bed, she went to the bathroom and came back with a wet towel.

"If these are anything like period cramps then this should make it better."

I was still shirtless so she laid the towel on my lower belly, It's hot. I relaxed at the pleasant warmth from the soft towel. After a few moments, I felt better.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I closed my eyes and relaxed, I heard Darlene walk over to the crib and then back to me, then I felt something being laid on my chest. I opened my eyes to see Alex lying on me, curled up, sleeping. He began fussing so I grabbed the blanket off my bed and laid it over him and myself to keep him warm. He's precious, even though I'm unsure of my feelings, I know I need to take care of him. I looked at him longingly and caressed his head.

"Why don't you talk to him? Just because he's not inside you doesn't mean he's any different. He's still Baby."

Baby, Alex is still Baby. That's true but somehow that doesn't do it for me.

"Yeah but he's here now, he's not inside me anymore."

"Was it better when you didn't know what he looked like?"

"I suppose, even though there are the ultrasounds he didn't really have a face in the real world, until now. He's someone, he's another person."

"Elliot, he doesn't think of you wrong. You're his dad, ...and his mom, kinda. You're literally his everything. He's doesn't really have thoughts yet, you're are going to shape how he thinks. You don't have to walk on eggshells here."

The anxiety within me rose.

"But what if I do something wrong, what if I fuck up, what if I hurt him?!"

"You're not gonna hurt him, you'll do just fine."

Alex kind of jerked, slapped my chest with his hand and grunted.

"See, he agrees." I scoffed at her comment.

"Listen, this is just the beginning, let's give it a little time and see how it goes, okay? Oh, and by the way, Layla hooked me up with a pediatrician, so we don't have to make up a story. Well kind of, she said she'd tell him that the mom died at birth and that I, the aunt is helping you with the baby."

I just kept quiet, let her speak and just focused on Alex. I caressed his cheek with my finger. He's so small, his entire head fits in my palm. I'm happy he's healthy, I wouldn't have forgiven myself if something happened to him, I'd blame myself my whole life. If I would even let myself live after that. I can't allow myself for failure. This isn't something I can just delete.


	15. unsur3.aes

A week later

Never thought I'd be this tired, I barely get enough sleep, if any at all. I have to wake up several times a night to feed him or change him. I find myself falling asleep during the day, thank god Darlene is still here. I don't think I'd be able to do this alone. I woke up with a terribly sore and swollen chest today as if I worked-out and focused only on my chest, Darlene called Layla for some info. Apparently, my milk is coming in and my chest is what they call engorged, it should go away in a couple of days. Doesn't change the fact that it hurts like a bitch.

"Why aren't you lactating? Isn't that a thing? That your motherly instinct should pick up on the fact that there's a kid and you need to feed it even though it isn't yours?"

"I don't think that's how it works Elliot. Although don't you think it would be weird for ME to breastfeed YOUR kid? With us being siblings an' all?"

"I guess your right. Sorry for complaining about everything, I thought I'd be done with all of this by now, instead, I'm struggling through awful cramps, my chest has become a milk factory and I'm bleeding from a place I never have before."

"TMI dude, TMI."

"Sorry."

"Well, no one said it would be easy. Hold on, you never bled from your vagina? Or whatever it is you have."

"No. From what I recall, I would just be really uncomfortable and achy for a day every month but nothing ever came out of me."

"Lucky Bastard." She stood up.

"Alright, we have an appointment with the pediatrician today, remember? You're coming with me." She walked to the bathroom.

That will be the first time I go out in months and the first time I go somewhere with him. Sometimes I wish he still were in my belly, I kind of miss that feeling. I walked over to the crib and held him.

"Hey, Alex... uh... we're going on a trip today."

Saying that reminded me of when Darlene dragged me to my first prenatal visit.

"Remember our first trip? When you were still inside me and we went to the hospital to see how you were doing? That's when I first saw what you looked like."

I started rocking him in my arms and turned around to see Darlene leaning against the wall, smiling.

"Would you quit quietly observing me?"

"But you do such adorable things when you think you're alone."

"Well, there's a reason I do them when I'm alone."

"You don't have to be embarrassed Elliot, this is normal. And see, you're finally warming up to him."

"I guess."

"Alright, come on, we have to get going."

She took Alex and laid him in the car seat that came with the stroller.

I put on my hoodie which gladly fits me again and took Alex with me. We walked out of the building and Darlene flagged down a cab. Normally we would've used the subway but I'm still quite sore so I can't walk for too long. We walked inside the clinic and sat down in the waiting room for our turn. After about fifteen minutes a nurse walked in.

"Mr. Alderson?" It was finally my turn.

We walked inside the docs office, the walls plastered with a cutesy infantile wallpaper, a firetruck shaped exam table along with a couple of chairs close by and a desk on the other end.

"Welcome I'm Doctor Berry and I will be your Pediatrician. Or rather this little guy's."

He corrected himself pointing at Alex.

"I've got all the needed information from Doctor Jones, my most sincere condolences Mr. Alderson."

"Thanks" He went to shake my hand but I didn't.

Even though the story isn't true, it still felt like belated condolences for Shayla.

"And you must be Ms. Alderson, the sister right?" He went to shake Darlene's hand.

"That's correct."

All of a sudden I felt like it was 104 degrees in the room I started sweating so I unzipped my hoodie, forgetting that my shirt slightly shows the shape of my chest and hugs my belly.

"So who do we have here?"

"This is Alexander." I felt weird introducing him, yet this is the first of many introductions that are to come.

"Great, lets' have a look, shall we?"

He took Alex from me and laid him on the exam table. He pulled out a tape measure and measured his height and head circumference. He held him up and laid him on a scale to check his weight. So far everything's alright, just like with me, everything that was checked got written down on a sheet of paper. Back on the exam table, the doc checked his reflexes and examined him from head to toe. Checked his ears, his eyes, and mouth. Looked him over to see if he had any rashes or other skin conditions, listened to his heart and lungs and checked his mobility by moving his arms and legs.

"You should do a little bit of gymnastics with him, every day you should lay him down on the table or on the floor and move his legs around if you don't then it could result in disability in the long run as his knees will be too close together."

From then on I made a mental note to play with Alex every day so that doesn't happen.

"Okay, we'll draw some blood now."

"What for?"

"It's just a routine screening to check for sickle-cell disease, hypothyroidism or other inherited disorders, nothing to worry about."

He unwrapped a brand new needle from its plastic packaging and shoved it into Alex's heel while Darlene held him. It was probably painful as Alex began crying. Darlene shot me a reassuring smile, then did a double take. She wordlessly tried telling me to zip my hoodie up with her free hand. I looked down, two dark stains showed up on my shirt. They weren't that noticeable as my shirt is already dark but they were there. I quickly zipped my hoodie hoping the doc didn't see anything. Fuck, not only is my chest sore, now it's leaking again. I just hope it won't show through my hoodie.

"Alright, I'll send this to the lab and the results will be here in about a week. For now, everything is done. The little guy is healthy and doing great."

I just sat there waiting to leave as quickly as we could.

"Next appointment will be at the one month mark."

"Thank you, Doctor."

They shook hands and we finally left.

We got into a cab and went home, I stayed silent the whole time arms crossed over my chest.

"What's going on?" Darlene set the car seat down on the table and pulled Alex out of it.

"Hell if I know."

Once I uncrossed my arms I realized that my hoodie was wet too. It didn't go through but you could feel the moisture. I took it off as well as the shirt and threw it to the wash, I took a towel with warm water and cleaned myself. I heard Alex begin to cry in the next room and there it was again, only from one nipple this time.

"Elliot, I think he's hungry."

I went back into the room took him from her and started nursing him. I definitely got better at this after doing it twelve times a day, seven days a week.

"Shh"

Gladly he was silent a few seconds later. All the while I was looking at him I heard the distinct sound of a phone camera.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking a family portrait."

"Very funny, now stop it."

"What? Don't tell me you don't want pictures with him."

"Not while I'm doing this."

"What's wrong with that."

"What if he finds them when he's older. I don't want him to know. I'll just keep up the dead mother story. You might as well delete any picture of me from the last 6 months."

"You're not keeping that truth bomb from this kid. If you won't tell him I will."

I looked away, I couldn't look her in the eye.

"Why are you so ashamed of this?"

"I'm a mental wreck, alright?! None of my thoughts are how they should be, I'm not thinking clearly. I don't wanna talk about this right now."

"Elliot, you and I both know you're gonna keep avoiding this."

"Alright... just let me finish."

I focused my attention on Alex, making sure I'm doing this right. About forty minutes later he was finally done and I laid him down in his crib to sleep. I wiped my chest clean and put on a new shirt. I sat on the couch, covered my face with my hand and slowly slid them down, completely drained from the past week. From all those months come to think of it.

"Can we have a heart to heart now?"

"Sure"

Darlene sat next to me.

"All those months ago you said you forgot that this could happen, hasn't it come back to you?"

"It has but the acceptance hasn't, I'm not sure I ever truly accepted it, to be honest. It feels like the plot of a terrible B movie."

"It doesn't have to. This is your new normal, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"If only you could be in my head, even I'm having trouble understanding what's happening. It's just... I love him, obviously. But that's exactly why I don't want him to find out, ever since the first physical evidence that this was happening, I loved him, no doubt. But because of this whole experience, I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel detached from myself, especially with the changes my body went through. I'm appalled by what I see and I don't want him to grow up and be disgusted with me."

Darlene looked at me with this compassionate look on her face, I think she really tried to understand.

"Look at it this way, if you don't say anything and he later somehow finds out, then he'll have a hard time understanding it but if you ease him into it as he grows up it'll be normal to him, he won't see you as any different. You don't have to remind him all the time but just the fact alone that it gets mentioned and acknowledged will make it a bit easier to deal with and you won't have to lie to him why he doesn't have a mom. Although you'll have to lie to anyone else but that doesn't matter. It's much easier to keep a secret from the whole worlds than it is from family."

None of this would be happening if I could make any sense out of my feelings but I trust Darlene, I believe she's right. I shouldn't hide this from him. The sooner I come to terms with this decision the better.

"Alright."

"I know you're not all good yet, your hormones are still all over the place and you're still recovering physically but I do hope you'll feel better as time passes."

"Thanks."


	16. n3w.l1f3.sme

A month later

Parenting is definitely harder than I thought, especially since I went through both sides of the spectrum. Thankfully my body is returning to what it used to be like, my stomach is flat again and the pain is fading away, makes it easier to move around. Darlene's been a great help, not only physically. I don't know what I'd be doing right now if she wouldn't have sat me down and talked with me. Mr. Robot shows up every now and then, he plays with Alex sometimes, he really likes him. I don't know why I didn't anticipate that but it's nice to see him in a happy mood. Since I'm doing better now and can actually go places farther than the Chinese place in front of my building. I went to the beach, stuck my feet in the sand and just sat there not thinking about anything just taking the fresh ocean air in. I got an email from Krista a while ago asking, when I would be back. So here we are, after a seven-month hiatus I'm back waiting in this hallway, looking at these boring watercolor paintings, as boring as they may seem the figures in them seem to be having fun. I hope Alexander will get to have that much fun. After a few minutes of waiting, whoever was before me walked out of Krista's office. I stood up, about to walk in when Krista appeared in the doorway.

"Hello, Elli-."

She cut herself off, confused but then she smiled. She took a step aside and let me walk in.

"Please, have a seat."

It felt a little odd being back here after so long.

"So, will you introduce me to this little bundle of joy that you brought along with you today?"

I looked down, a slight smile crept on my face, Alex still sleeping soundly in the baby carrier on my chest. I carefully removed the carrier and held him in my arms.

"This is Alex."

"How old is he?"

"He's just a month old."

"Pardon my intrusiveness Elliot, but whose child is he? Is he your nephew?"

Oh, irony.

"No Krista. He's mine, he's my son."

It took her a moment to process things but she smiled, she even looked proud I think.

"I didn't know you were in a relationship."

I've thought about this long and hard, and I've finally made a decision. I'll tell Krista the truth, why I was away and where he came from. People don't need to know but I feel like she deserves to know and if I ever slip again, and start to have issues, bad thoughts related to him, Darlene may not always be there. I need someone else that I can trust with this who I'll be able to talk about it with.

"I'm not."

"Oh, I'm sorry. What happened? Did the mother leave?"

"There never was a mother."

"Excuse me but I don't follow."

She frowned, sat straight in her chair and crossed her legs.

"Medical confidentiality, anything I tell you never leaves this office right?"

"Correct."

"Do you know what a hermaphrodite is?"

"Well in humans it's a person who has both male and female genitalia."

"Have you ever heard of these kinds of people actually having kids."

"No, usually they don't, they have underdeveloped sex organs which don't allow for reproduction. Elliot, what are you getting at?"

"Krista I... I, gave birth to him."

That was the first time that sentence ever left my mouth. I stopped needing to process the consequence of my actions, Krista definitely thinks I'm off my rocker.

"I know you probably think my psychosis is getting worse but it's taking all my courage right now to tell you the truth. If you want proof I've got some on this flash drive."

I pulled it out of my pocket and leaned to hand it over, making sure not to wake Alex.

"Believe me, I had a hard time when I found out too. But my body bears the pain and the scars, it's all real."

She still hasn't said a word, just looked at me with pure disbelief. Flash drive in hand she stood up and plugged it into her computer. On it are a couple ultrasound pictures and a video as well as a few pictures Darlene sneakily took of me throughout the months, along with the one where we used a stethoscope to listen to Alex's heart and the one where I'm nursing him that Darlene took of me a few weeks ago. Krista just sat there, absolutely speechless, mouth open clicking through the pictures. She found a video of one ultrasound and clicked play. Alex's heartbeat began to emanate from the speakers.

"I suppose it's a little late to say congratulations."

She looked at me all the way from her desk, a more happy expression on her face, she believes me. She walked over to the couch where I'm sitting.

"Can I?"

I was hesitant to let her hold him but I have to break out of this mold. I stood up and passed him into her arms. She marveled at him for a bit.

"He's beautiful."

"Thank you."

"You said you still bear the scars, you didn't have a cesarian, did you?"

Interesting, she cares.

"No, but he gave me a lot of stretch marks."

"Do you mind showing me your stomach? I'm sorry but I'm really curious, this doesn't happen every day now, does it?"

I felt a bit awkward doing this but since I started might as well finish, anything to prove her I'm not lying, not that she thinks that anymore.

I unzipped my hoodie and lifted up my t-shirt revealing the bit of pudge still left over, covered with fading stretch marks on the sides and a dark brown line running down the middle as if to emphasize my point. I pulled my shirt back down, she passed him back to me and we sat down.

"I guess the next question is: Why tell me about this? You don't seem like the type of person that would be going left and right telling people you just had a baby."

"I needed you to know because ever since he was born, I've had mixed emotions about him, me, what may happen next and I just need someone to talk about it with."

"I'm glad you're actually the one to come with this to me, it shows progress."

As the session went on we talked about how I left about all that happened in the last year, it feels good to let it out, to not keep it in. To not let these emotions brew in my head. Things are definitely gonna be different from now on and I'm looking forward to it. This is definitely real.


	17. SEQUEL!!!

A sequel to this story is coming! I am about halfway through, I think but I will say that I did get a bit sidetracked so I’m also writing a different story. What show? You’ll find out as soon as I post it, it’ll come before the sequel just to brake things up a little and give you some reading material until the sequel. Not sure when I’ll post either story but they will be here before the end of the year. Hope you’ll like them and until then stay tuned.


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